The Offside Rules

Hello Cargo

2011-11-08T06:42:00.006-05:00

TheOffsideRules.blogspot.com is over. As of today TOR will move exclusively to TheOffsideRules.com. I'll keep this address as an archive of good times-past and as a parachute in case both you and I agree that the new look is whack in the long run.

Pretty much the only thing that is changing is the layout/user experience, which is kind of a big deal but not really. Also, this is the official divorce decree between TOR and Helvetica Bold. Sorry kids but it's for the best that we split; the thrill was gone.

Goodbye Blogspot

2011-11-07T16:11:00.008-05:00

Things are going to get real weird around here in a little while & you may well hate me for it.

Seven Minutes in (Timbers) Heaven

2011-11-07T14:16:00.004-05:00

Portland’s debut MLS season may have come to a halt but the misty-eyed memories and goosebump-inducing flashbacks live on in Portland Timbers, We Adore You. A no-narration documentary chronicling JELD-WEN Field’s inaugural MLS match, the seven-minute film drips with both tasteful camerawork and nostalgia for the recent past. There is also a little bit of odd timing as well as opening day was 8 months ago but that is of little consequence when the finished product to so damn pretty to look at.

Add in a handful of highly-stylized Adrian Healy soundbites and the end result is something any reasonable fan of American soccer would deem worthy of watching*. Twice.

BONUS TRACK: Alaska Airlines recently did their own JELD-WEN Field opening flashback video. Watch it.

*Reasonable fan ≠ a closed-minded Sounders fan who blindly hates anything associated with Portland.

Marsch's Montreal Have Anelka on the Brain

2011-11-07T13:14:00.004-05:00

How’s your French? Merde? Better ask for Rosetta Stone for Christmas then because if you really want to know what’s what with the Impact you’re going to need to read and listen to a lot of it. But if you are like me and only speak French after a bottle & a half of Bordeaux (and poorly even then) you can check out the latest episode of the SoccerPlus podcast because it features an English-language interview with Montreal coach Jessie Marsch.

The headline here is that he says the club are still batting around the idea of making a play for Nicolas Anelka. I repeat, Nicolas “Not Claude” Anelka. Marsch says “it’s still a possibility” and they “haven’t closed the door on it.” It would be one hell of a get, much better than that raft of aged Italians that’s been bandied about as possible DPs. Plus with him being French he could actually understand what the local socceratti are writing about him.

On second thought maybe that’s not the best move for a player as, erm, emotional as Nico.

Section 8: Not The Best at Suicide Prevention

2011-11-07T12:09:00.002-05:00

Wrong. Just wrong.

Josh Gatt is Ready for His Closeup

2011-11-07T11:09:00.001-05:00

Here’s the glorified-public access profile on Detroit-bred Molde striker Josh Gatt that we’ve all been asking for. All jokes aside, I know precious little about this kid other than what I read in random yet seemingly regular tweets when scores so I, for one, could use the education.

Also please try to make it to the end of this clip if you can because the sign off is absolutely classic.

Wanted: 2 Girls Who Like Soccer & Creepers from San Diego

2011-11-07T09:22:00.009-05:00

OK boys fess up. Which one of you wannabe ballers from SD posted this on Craigslist?

Galaxy MLS Cup 2011 - $20 (home depot)

WELL, THE GALAXY MADE IT TO THE FINAL FOR THE MLS CUP.. I BOUGHT MY TICKETS LIKE 2 WEEKS AGO.. THESE ARE SECTION 231.. THEY ARE LIKE MIDDLE SECTION... MORE THAN SELLING THEM... I RATHER TAKE TWO GIRLS FOR FREE TO THIS GAME.. IM COMING FROM SAN DIEGO TO SEE THE GALAXY BE CHAMPIONS... SO WHICH TWO GIRLS WANT TO GO? EMAIL ME AND WE CAN EXCHANGE EMAILS AND PICS...

I know whoever placed this ad has high hopes that the respondents to his offer will resemble the Beckhamistas above in more than one way but trust me my dude, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. This is Craigslist, not Jacques (NSFW); you will count yourself lucky if your dates are not "pros"/con artists and have all of their teeth.

[H/T to @TheDenimKit]

MLS Cup 2011 Brought to You By AEG

2011-11-06T23:30:00.006-05:00

Here we are with one game left to go on the MLS calendar and it's an all-AEG affair with the Galaxy pretty much hosting the Dynamo. So we can all rest assured that Tim Leiweke will be standing atop a podium in an AEG-built venue with a trophy, named after Uncle Phil Anschutz himself, at the end of 90 minutes come hell or high-water and I ain't mad at that.

However I am upset about the fact that rumors of MLS Cup being "Phil Anschutz Bobblehead Night" are just that, rumors. Still, if ever there was anyone in modern, American soccer worthy of being immortalized in miniature form and distributed to fans it is Mr. Anschutz. Without him MLS Cup doesn't exist.

3NIL x Zizou

2011-11-06T21:22:00.004-05:00

Typically I restrict myself to talking about wet, hot American soccer but if there is a player with no North American angle that I can make an exception for it is Zidane. Have you seen the Zizou shirts from 3NIL? So necessary. I'm going to cop one in hopes that it will make me look worldly. You should too.

Reigning Champ x Gastown F.C.

2011-11-06T19:15:00.004-05:00

Gastown FC is kind of like the Canadian version of Chinatown FC: an amateur squad of urban, arty-types with more style and merch than most professional clubs. And God bless them for it because they provide some excellent options for those who what to rep the game without going to obvious; there are some times, some places when a jersey just isn't the best look.

GFC have a nice little online boutique stocked with all of their wares and then some. If you like your footie gear bespoke, classic and just a little pricey check them out here. And if you want to sort me out with a Christmas gift I'm feeling the scarf/snood collaboration they've done with Reigning Champ. Must. Have.

Are You Ready for #LAvRSL? The Galaxy Sure as Hell Are

2011-11-04T14:53:00.001-04:00

Sweet Cobi Jones' ghost the promos for the #LAvRSL match are sexier than a couple of MFers. Even Bruce Arena looks like a badass. Can. Not. Wait.

Expansion & The Aging Italian

2011-11-04T12:49:00.005-04:00

Should the Impact place their maiden MLS voyage in the hands of the elderly? One Montreal writer dares to brave the icy, Italian-flavored waters of the DP dilemma and what it could mean for the 2012 expansion side if they dare to splash the cash on a slew of Azzurri players old enough to get birthday shout-outs from Willard Scott. Como se dice "Cocoon FC is a bad idea?"

NSR: Amy Winehouse + Nas "Like Smoke"

2011-11-04T09:38:00.004-04:00

Last night Funkmaster Flex debuted the soon-to-be released Amy Winehouse - Nas collabo "Like Smoke" and it is fire. Straight, hot, Camden-to-Queensbridge fire. Makes me remember how much I'm going to miss her voice and just how ill(matic) Nas can be when he wants to be. They "bodied" this.

KC v COL: The Mixtape

2011-11-04T08:34:00.004-04:00

When I watch this clip I can't help but think that the visual makes people want to score goals against a club they hate while the music makes people want to score ecstasy at a club in Vegas. That's possibly the most Deadspinish thing I have ever written but c'mon, you know I'm right.

Luke Rodgers Would Like to Behead You

2011-11-04T00:19:00.007-04:00

Apparently beheading is still "a thing" among the English. Or at least that's the impression RBNY's Luke Rodgers gave when he almost Ned Stark-ed a lady with pitchside seats at the HDC tonight.

Look how close that ball is to the side of her head. She could probably hear New York's MLS Cup hopes gently whispering "buh-bye" in her ear as it sailed past.

[H/T to KyleSheldon.com for image]

Robbie Rogers: Player, Clothier, Model

2011-11-03T21:38:00.002-04:00

With his season over and his future in Columbus somewhat uncertain, Robbie Rogers has got to find some other sh*t to do with his time. Things like being a clothing mogul/male model with the Halsey line. Sure hope he doesn't get to beefing with Hansel; you never know what that guy will do.

The Don x Sporting Kansas City

2011-11-03T21:12:00.003-04:00

The Don was in KC for last night's playoff match and used his now-traditional pressbox scrum to testify to all that is good and holy about the rebirth of the Kansas City franchise. This is good...I like that it's not me for once.

As much as I love what's going on in the PNW and with apologies to my brothers and sisters in PDX who made one hell of a MLS debut this spring, Sporting Kansas City is the story of the year. Y'all may laugh now but let Vermes & Co. win MLS Cup this year and see how many writer-types and Twitteratti jump on the bandwagon; guarantee it's going to get crowded.

Damn-Near Every Afro-Germerican™ Called Up

2011-11-03T16:37:00.007-04:00

Damn y'all. U.S. Soccer just went in on the Afro-Germericans™. Between the senior and U-23 callups there are 10 of 'em ready to suit up for the Yanks. Crazy. This has to be the biggest piece of Afro-German news since Milli (or was it Vanilli?) passed away.

Former MetroStar Diego Serna Returns to New York

2011-11-03T12:40:00.004-04:00

And when I say "New York", I mean New York State. And when I say "returns" I mean playing indoor soccer upstate. Which isn't totally bad because A) there is a good beer garden in Albany and B) he's not "upstate" which in NYC hood parlance means "he's in prison."

Cosmos Experiencing Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2011-11-03T11:11:00.012-04:00

This landed in my inbox last night:

Management Update from the New York Cosmos

November 2, 2011 (New York, NY) - There has been a buyout at The New York Cosmos and management changes have taken place in various areas of our organization. This also results in a full restructure of both our business and staffing, which will continue to be assessed by the new leadership team that is expected to be appointed within the next 60 days. It is unequivocally the goal of the current ownership to become an MLS team in the most expedient manner possible, and decisions for the club will be made with this in mind.

Craziness. Or is it really so crazy with the reputation Paul Kemsley had? Who am I to say.

It appears though that real change is in the air over at 75 Greene St., with executive director Joe Fraga already asked to leave. All jokes aside, good luck and godspeed to all those whose jobs may be on the line.

Now with all jokes front and center, please let Busta Rhymes re-record a new version of "Arab Money" with the Borough Boys choir. Could be their terrace anthem.

Photo of the Day: Death to CJ

2011-11-03T08:53:00.003-04:00

This was the scene last night at LIVESTRONG Sporting Park after CJ Sapong put the Rapids' chances of advancing to the Conference finals all but out of reach. I know it's a celebration shot but it kind of looks like a band of demons have come to drag his soul to hell. Blame Kei Kamara's gloves, which were apparently left over from the "Skeleton Boy" video shoot.

Andrew Wiebe x Robb Heineman

2011-11-02T15:08:00.004-04:00

Like John Shaft, Sporting Kansas City president Robb Heineman is a complicated man and no one understands him but his woman. That actually might not be true because I actually have no idea if he has a missus or not.

That's pretty much the only thing he doesn't talk about in this wide-ranging interview with Andrew Wiebe that touches on everything from officiating to jersey sponsors to playoff format. I imagine he does OK though; young, good-looking guy with his business game tight and a piece of a pro sports franchise won't be single long unless it's by choice.

Osvaldo Alonso Is "The Honey Badger"

2011-11-02T12:05:00.003-04:00

Honey Badger don't care and neither does Osvaldo Alonso. Also, Brek Shea is a bird.

[H/T Sounder at Heart]

SKC Fans Keep Afroman's Legacy Alive Through Kei Kamara Worship

2011-11-02T10:06:00.003-04:00

Remember Afroman's "Because I Got High"? Much like Alanis Morrisette's "You Outta Know" it was one of those rare late 90s/early 2000s pop songs that managed to sneak a blatant oral sex reference onto America's most mom-approved radio stations. Subsequently, many of us experienced that awkward moment where you are in a small confined space (i.e. a car) with one of your parents and you are both forced into uncomfortable silence by the knowledge that you are both thinking about sexual activity at the same time.

All that potentially scarring, therapy-worthy stuff aside, Sporting KC fans have found another use for Afroman's 2001 weed-rap anthem: flipping it into an ode to Kei Kamara. Witness the grandeur for yourself, recorded at last night's playoff rally in downtown KCMO. Nice work guys.

H/T to @JweavKC and @Eighmee.

NSR: Teenage Bad Girl "X Girl"

2011-11-01T14:26:00.000-04:00

There are 2 artists in my iTunes whose names are quite likely to get me investigated for dirty old man-ery: Teen Girl Fantasy and Teenage Bad Girl. If you like poppy, playful club cuts with a pervy, R. Kelly-arousing name you should check them out; the track above is by TBG and is called "X Girl" but it should probably be called "Fake Go! Team Song."

Tim Howard is a Sophisticated S.O.B.

2011-11-01T11:10:00.002-04:00

I want to got to Tim Howard's dinner party. Sounds like it would classy as hell.

One More Keller Thing...

2011-11-01T10:03:00.003-04:00

If it was possible to "win" Halloween, this kid ran away with it and grabbed a hat-trick & a clean sheet along the way. Simply outstanding.

Spotted via TDK.

Story Time With Kasey Keller

2011-11-01T09:51:00.003-04:00

Those of you that know me in the real world know that I like to tell stories, some of them even entertaining ones. I enjoy this. It makes me feel like I have something to contribute.

Old people love to tell stories for the same reason; the only difference is that they do it not because of low S.O. but because they want to get everything out there before they die. Or retire.

RBNY's Presence on ESPN Explained

2011-10-31T17:44:00.006-04:00

From Brian Lewis' piece in the New York Post over the weekend on MLS ratings:

"The top-viewed league game on ESPN _ not including World Football matches _ was the Red Bulls’ June 26 tilt against Chicago, which drew 622,000 viewers, to edge out the Galaxy’s March 15 game vs. always-popular Seattle.
The best viewership for ESPN2 was the Red Bulls’ June 23 game three days earlier against those same well-supported Sounders, which was seen by 410,000. And the top Spanish-language broadcast on ESPN Deportes? New York again, this time the rescheduled Galaxy home game on Oct. 4, seen by 94,000."

Think about this the next time you find yourself seconds away from tweeting "why does ESPN only show NY, LA and the PNW teams?" It's because people watch them. They may be terrible, violent, dysfunctional and annoying at times but people watch them. Kind of like the cast of Jersey Shore.

NSR: Washed Out "Call it Off"

2011-10-31T11:53:00.004-04:00

Now that snow has hit my corner of America summer is officially-officially over. And it sucks. So since I'm feeling nostalgic for the beach, outdoor alcohol consumption and 9pm sunsets here's Washed Out's "Call it Off"; if you have it at just the right volume you can almost taste salt from both the sea and a margarita glass.

BTW FYI ICYDK Rafa Marquez is a Crazy Person

2011-10-31T10:05:00.002-04:00

By the way in case you didn't know Rafa Marquez is a crazy person. I would love to write something interesting and funny about this but at this point taking the 5 minutes to pen something to the effect " Rafa Marquez at the center of 'Dramatic Event X' in NY" just seems unnecessary. Not because I'd be piling on to the avalanche of missive's already devoted to yesterday's post-game "incident" but because Rafa Marquez has been at the center of 9 out of 10 dramatic events in NY this year. It's just too predictable at this point. Dude is the T.O. of MLS.

Afro-Germerican™ of the Moment: Royal-Dominique Fennell

2011-10-28T12:19:00.004-04:00

Who the hell is Royal-Dominique Fennell? I have no idea and you probably don't either unless you are Brian Sciaretta, Philneezy or German. Apparently though he plays for Stuttgart Kickers, his dad is (surprise!) a U.S. serviceman and he's been called up to Caleb Porter's U-23's. That's pretty much all you need to do to be named Afro-Germerican™ of the Moment so congrats Royal-Dominique.

So the TOR list of known Afro-Germericans™now reads like this:

Royal-Dominique Fennell (defender, Stuttgart Kickers)
Jann George (forward, FC Nurnberg)
Jerome Kiesewetter (forward, Hertha Berlin)
Tim Chandler (defender, FC Nurnberg)
Jermaine Jones (midfiedler, Schalke 04)
David Yelldell (keeper, Bayer Leverkusen)
Fabian Johnson (forward, Hoffenheim)
Terrence Boyd (forward, Dortmund)
John Anthony Brooks (defender, Hertha Berlin)
Danny Williams (defender, Hoffenheim)
Andrew Wooten (striker, Kaiserslautern II)
Shawn Parker (striker, Mainz II)
Tyrone McCargo (striker, FC Nurnberg)

The cool/crazy/badass thing is that only Yelldell and Jones are old guys. All the others may be in various stages of their careers but they are all young, playing at a decent level, and U.S.-eligible at a time when there is a German running the Yanks.

No way in hell all these kids will be international-level players and even if they were I'm sure Germany would pick off a few for themselves but please forgive me if I find the whole thing intriguing just for the sheer fact that in 1941 an all-black, German team would have been America's worst nightmare but in 2011 sh*t just might be the future.

All You Ever Wanted to Know About the Union but Were Too Full from Cheesesteak to Ask

2011-10-28T10:16:00.005-04:00

This video doesn't really relate to this article on Nick Sackiewicz that's basically a State of the Philadelphia Union. Well, aside from the fact that it features the Union. But I like pretty pictures so I thought I'd throw it in anyway.

It seems like the general state of things with Nicky Sack's club is a pretty picture as well; TV viewership is up, they're thinking of expanding the stadium, they got rid of Carlos Ruiz and they're in the playoffs. Not bad for a second-year club in a city that hadn't had top-flight soccer since Jimmy Carter was in office.

Montreal you are on the clock.

NSC Minnesota Stars x Dark Clouds x Oasis

2011-10-27T17:05:00.003-04:00

So this is a kind of cool clip that was sent to me by NSC Minnesota Stars defender Kevin Friedland with the following note attached.

Hey Shawn,

Hope you are well.

I wanted to share a video from the first leg of the NASL Championship and the last home game in Minnesota. We, the Stars, won the first leg 3-1. After the game, we went and sang Oasis 'Wonderwall' with our Supporters group, the Dark Clouds. This song has been our victory song this year and singing with the fans after the game was one of the coolest experiences in my 8 years playing in Minnesota. You might even be able to see Bruce McGuire in the stands.

If any of you can find DuNord Bruce let me know because I love that beardy bastard. I also love seeing the wall between athlete and fan melt away a little; always nice to see the players and the people come together...even when they are all singing Oasis as off-key as possible.

David Beckham x HypeBeast

2011-10-27T16:56:00.003-04:00

Forgot to put this up the other day but it's kind of evergreen so here you go any way. HypeBeast, purveyors of all things stylish & urbanely urban, have done a tasteful sitdown interview with our David that covers everything from his beginnings at Man U to his fashion endeavors to his time with the Galaxy. It's called David Beckham: Journey to LA...which is kind of a funny title since his journey may be over in less than a month.

Anyway part 3 of 3 is above, you can kind parts 1 + 2 on Vimeo.

NSR: Gardens & Villa "Star Fire Power"

2011-10-27T11:30:00.001-04:00

OK by now most of y'all have probably figured out my musical taste and you either think I'm a vapid snob who tries to hard or you are just as superficial as I am and find the company delightful.

If you fall into the latter try and take in Gardens & Villa's "Star Fire Power" in it's entirety as it's one of those tracks that builds slowly until it smolders. Kind of like The Police if they dropped Andy Summers for a synth-player. Basically they are Santa Barbara's Grand National.

H/T to BlearyEyedBrooklyn for the video.

Sporting KC, Like Everyone Else, Believes That They Will Win

2011-10-27T11:20:00.001-04:00

Funny thing is I believe that they will too. Picking them to take the East.

The Only Reason I'm Posting This Dynamo Clip is Because Slim Thug is in it

2011-10-26T23:47:00.002-04:00

C'mon Slim Thug, do you --this video's token rapper-- have to be the only guy in the clip wearing a shirt with a gun on it? I know you're in Texas and all but damn son, can we try to avoid they stereotypes just for a hot minute?

NSR: Nine Inch Nails "Zoo Station"

2011-10-26T12:41:00.003-04:00

This month's issue of Q Magazine comes with a free CD celebrating the 20 year anniversary of U2's incredible Achtung Baby. Entitled AHK-toong BAY-bi, it's a track-by-track covers album featuring Depeche Mode, Snow Patrol, The Killers, Glasvegas and a bunch of other ~~rich people~~ bands taking on the classic album from 1991.

Above is the surprising standout track for me: Nine Inch Nails' subtle, nuanced take on the album's lead-off track "Zoo Station." Haven't had much time for Trent Reznor since, oh, high school (save the odd DFA remix or Gary Numan collabo) but this is excellent stuff. You should cop it.

Chaos at the Cosmos (or Even an Aged, Blind, Crazy Squirrel Gets a Nut from Time to Time)

2011-10-26T09:04:00.006-04:00

Now this is interesting. According to SoccerAmerica -remember SoccerAmerica?-- the current iteration of the New York Cosmos front office is getting blowed up. Paul Gardner's latest, quasi-bizarrely written treatise for the old-school footie mag throws forth a tale of upheaval around the MLS expansion pretenders and leaves you with more questions than answers.

Allegedly, English Chairman Paul Kemsley is out as is Carl Johnson of Anomaly, the marketing and advertising firm behind the Cosmos near-faultless promotional campaign. It also sounds like the Arab money may have run out as well.

And just to up the ZOMGWTF-factor Gardner alleges that another group of NYC expansion contenders is waiting in the wings led by Uncle Shep Messing, former NFL star Curtis Martin and...wait for it...wait for it...CHUCK BLAZER!

But you know what the real surprise is here: Paul Gardner may have actually broken a piece of news. When was the last time he did that? Who was in office? Carter? Reagan maybe?

VIDEO: Skills Show Volume 54

2011-10-25T09:47:00.001-04:00

Start your morning off right with a bit of backheel bliss. Happy Tuesday y'all.

VIDEO: SportsCenter's Top 10 MLS Goals of 2011

2011-10-24T11:51:00.000-04:00

Too bad Adam Moffat's long distance banger from last night didn't make the cut. You could argue, if you're that guy, that it was a better strike than the one included here.

Incidentally those are 2 goals were Moffat's only ones this year. He may not do it often but when he does watch out.

NSR: L'Oncle Ben "Seven Nation Army"

2011-10-24T11:23:00.003-04:00

From this point on all supporters groups should perform "Seven Nation Army" in the following, funky manner.

Signed
The Management

Cisco ❤'s Sporting KC

2011-10-24T10:00:00.001-04:00

How long has it been since I've mentioned Sporting KC? What, 5 to 7 days? Better get busy then 'cause I'm slipping.

Here's a 'corporate cool' video from Cisco --the electronics people, not the esophagus-rotting swill favored by trashy, suburban teens-- on LIVESTRONG Sporting Park and Sporting KC's tawdry love affair with all things technologically advanced. It's tidy and informative with sound cinematography.

Also, if you ever happen to sit in the press box at LIVESTRONG Sporting Park try to avoid sitting next to the guy with the Nottingham Forest Twitter background. He cheers in the press box, makes it tough to focus (I know this from experience).

AEG Should Just Go on & Call Them the LAsia Galaxy

2011-10-24T09:15:00.002-04:00

If the blog of the Philippine Football Federation treasurer is to be believed the Galaxy's post-season trip to Australia might be turning into LA's "Last Call for David Beckham" Tour*. PFF executive bean-counter Bonnie Ladrido, erm, spilled the beans last night by mentioning on his blog that LA Galaxy president Tom Payne will be in Manilla next week to tour facilities and all that other executive-type stuff. Additionally matches in Singapore and Jakarta are allegedly on the boil as well.

Hats off to LA for exploiting the Pacific Rim for all it's worth during the Beckham era. In the past 5 seasons they've played games in Australia (twice with a third on the books), New Zealand (twice), South Korea, China, Hawaii, and even exotic Vancouver before the 'Caps joined MLS. Surprised they never rocked Japan though as I heard Becks was big there.

*This is if Brand Beckham doesn't extend his contract with MLS, which he very well may.

Snoop Dogg Fakes the Footie Funk

2011-10-24T07:47:00.000-04:00

If you are an aging American rapper about to embark on a European tour without aid of a recent hit is there a better way to cater to the locals than to film a promo with you getting your juggle on? Yes. You throw in a pot leaf.

VIDEO: RBNY v. Doop Preview

2011-10-19T15:39:00.003-04:00

Soooooooo...how many points do you think RBNY will lose by tomorrow night? 2? It's got to be by at least 2, right? No way they're the now-traditional bottom-seeded team who makes it all the way to the final. They may have started the trend back in '08 but c'mon now, there's no way lighting is striking twice.

VIDEO: Viva Futbol #75

2011-10-19T11:24:00.003-04:00

After what seemed like an eternity away with the Foreign Legion or doing something equally French, Alarazboy has returned with a new mixtape of 100% all-natural, soccer showtime. Oh how I've missed this. Viva Futbol y'all.

File Under: MLS Tragedies

2011-10-19T10:54:00.008-04:00

Richie Williams is in the D.C. United Hall of Tradition but hasn't been offered an MLS head coaching job. Discuss.

RSL Mascot Crashes Wedding, Vince Vaughn Declines Comment

2011-10-18T17:03:00.002-04:00

Personally I would not invite a lion to my wedding reception but hey, that’s just me. I also wouldn’t let him sign the guestbook because, being a lion, he is probably an illiterate. Or maybe he can read and write and actually just wants to "pee in a pod” (whatever that is).

U.S. v. Slovenia: The Reckoning

2011-10-18T10:48:00.001-04:00

This is awesome. On November 15th ESPN will air a live reunion special of the U.S. - Slovenia match from the 2010 World Cup.

What’s that? It’s not a reunion but an actual rematch? In Slovenia? Oh. Well can we at least get Bob Ley on the pre-game show, a few thousand drunken Americans in the stands and Koman Coulibaly to ref it? Mo Edu’s got some things he’s still trying to work through and this would go a long way to helping him get right with things.

The Librarian: Bob Lenarduzzi, A Canadian Soccer Story

2011-10-17T14:57:00.002-04:00

I haven't read the book yet but I'm sure my Canuckistani friends will enjoy it. Also, they may enjoy the beautiful creature at the :08 mark. Quality Canadian content.

NSR: M83 "Midnight City"

2011-10-17T11:28:00.006-04:00

The video for M83's "Midnight City" just dropped so everyone else can just go on and put the cameras and lights down now because the video of the year has been made. Seriously anonymous record label marketing dept. save your promo budget, use it on tour support instead.

It's kind of on some ComicCon-goes-to-SVA sh*t but I dare anyone to make a video this year that can match this for storytelling, effects, cinematography and ability to capture the forlorn, retro-futuristic mood of the song so effectively. The only improvement even possible would be if after the screen goes black at the end there was a single shot of the little blue-eyed kid dropping the mic.

Kei Kamara in Glorious Slo-Mo

2011-10-17T10:26:00.003-04:00

Apparently there is some sort of Kei Kamara documentary-type video profile thing coming out that was shot in Sierra Leone recently. Here's a preview and here's a link to a bunch of other excerpts and a series of blog posts about about. No word yet on whether or not Chipotle is backing this film but if you see a shot of him eating a barbacoa burrito bowl on the streets of Freetown you know what's up.

When Ballin' Outta Control Goes Wrong

2011-10-15T19:52:00.003-04:00

Look, I'm as big of a fan of outlandish displays of rockstar-esque, young & moneyed swagger as anyone but your team just lost a crucial game less than 2 hours ago on the road and now faces what is essentially a do-or-die game against a new rival to secure a place in the playoffs without your captain/leading scorer. Now is not the time to tweet about how baller you are replete with photo of you boarding the private plane. No doubt you got game nephew, but listen to your fat, old uncle on this one.

Something Something Sporting Kansas City Something

2011-10-15T13:23:00.004-04:00

Unless you have made the pilgrimage out to LIVESTRONG Sporting Park you probably haven't seen Sporting Kansas City's WWE intro-meets-highlight reel pre-game video before. It's cool that the players get a hype video like this (needs more Graham Zusi though) but what about one for the ownership? Dudes took a moribund, borderline irrelevant franchise and make it into a real player in the K.C. sports market.

The K.C. Star has a good read on the business end of The Team Formerly Known at the Wizards big turnaround that's worth checking out if you are as geeky as I am about this stuff. If not, watch this. It has nothing to do with K.C. or soccer but it might be the best 10 minutes you'll spend outside the bedroom or a stadium today.

@TheOffsideRules: The Tweet Secret is Out

2011-10-14T17:00:00.005-04:00

Been MIA for a few days; was busy trying to come to grips with the fact that Kasey Keller is retiring and that the new Justice record is basically weak. Don't think I missed anything though, did I?

While caught up in all that it somehow came out that there is an @TheOffsideRules Twitter account. I've been sitting on it for a while but since the secret is out I would suggest that you do give it a follow if you are a member of the Tweeting class. I can't say when, if ever, it will be unleashed on your feed but just in case I decide to say something amazing or something changes with the work Twitter you know how to get at me. So won't you follow me?

NSR: Death Cab For Cutie x Cut Copy

2011-10-12T18:05:00.003-04:00

It's not The Postal Service but it is Ben Gibbard doing his bit over a dance rhythm for the first time in a minute. And this sounds more like classic Cut Copy --and a bit like the Pet Shop Boys in places-- than most of their last album. Indie-disco heaven.

American Outlaws Plot Drunken Airlift for Brazil 2014

2011-10-12T16:35:00.004-04:00

In what could be the most epic or disastrous move in the history of American soccer road-trips, the American Outlaws have chartered a large, 737-type plane to ferry its most hardcore and cash-flush members from the United States to Brazil for the 2014 World Cup.

I love my Yanks and a good awayday as much as the next guy but I'm not sure that I could personally take a 10-14 hour international flight full of booze, rampant patriotism, people applying for their Mile High Club membership in the toilets and the same 5 songs being sung over & over again in a small contained space. Actually, when I see it written down it sounds pretty much amazing. Here's to hoping there is a livecam on board so that all us soccer-voyers can take in the inevitable madness from a safe distance.

Photo of the Day: New Dynamo Stadium Rendering

2011-10-12T10:11:00.003-04:00

Y'all seen the latest rendering of the under-construction SSS in Houston? So rad. Kinda looks like a biodome with a sunroof in a way but that's not a knock on it. How could you bag on something this baller that's right downtown. You can't. Unless you are an ass.

Soccer v. Football: An Infographic of Cartoonish Proportions

2011-10-11T14:45:00.004-04:00

H/T to @TheThirdKit

Celebrity MLS Glory-Seekers Phoenix Are Ready for Their Close-Up

2011-10-11T10:58:00.004-04:00

Real Salt Lake’s --or are they RBNY's, I can never tell-- most continental fans have a documentary coming out. You should watch it, preferably while imbibing in a nice Louis Jadot Pouilly-Fuissé while wearing something so conservative it's alternative (because that is Phoenix's modus operandi when it comes to both their music and presentation).

Video: Ref Life Part 1.

2011-10-11T10:39:00.002-04:00

Who knew that the life of a referee could be just as bland as you imagined?

NSR: Justice "Newlands" and "Canon"

2011-10-10T12:05:00.004-04:00

Damn. Just when I was ready to write off the upcoming Justice album they f*** around and drop a pair of Serato-ready bangers that sound like Daft Punk doing classic rock. If you've ever wanted music that works equally well in a Camaro or a club congrats, it's Christmas. Get. In.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://soundowl.com/track/1vr4/justice-canon"&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Download Justice Canon&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://soundowl.com/track/1vr7/justice-newlands"&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Download Justice Newlands&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

Jozy Altidore is Doing All Right for a Kid That Used to Play For RBNY

2011-10-10T11:40:00.003-04:00

Y’all remember when Young Jozy signed my pumpkin? That was a fun night replete with Bruce Arena’s smirks and tequila shots with Joey Vide. Jozy was just a baby then, hadn’t even suited up for the Nats yet if I recall correctly. My how s*** done changed for him (and his former club but that’s another topic entirely).

On the eve of his Red Bull Arena debut things finally seem to be on the up for The Boy King of New York and Jersey™ after a wilderness period in Europe. Unsurprisingly, ESPN’s Jeff Carlisle has the skinny on it because he is pretty much the Man right now when it comes to these types of things. Follow him on the Twitters if you know what’s good for you.

NSR: The Knife 'Silent Shout'

2011-10-10T10:29:00.001-04:00

I don’t know how many of y’all mess with The Knife’s weird Swedish asses but for some reason I’ve got “Silent Shout” stuck in my head this a.m. I know it’s entirely too early in the day —and the week for that matter— for claustrophobic, neo-goth drug music but this is a classic. Or the song is a classic at least; the video is just messed up and is damn-near an advertisement for the mandatory shuttering of ever art-school in Europe.

"I do know people are asking me about Brek as he is the premier talent in America"

2011-10-10T08:41:00.003-04:00

Apparently Brek Shea has a mess of foreign suitors; they go by the names Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester United, and Manchester City.* I once had foreign suitors, English women with names like Lucy and Karen. Now? It's just the Pakistani woman from the credit card call center who calls to tell me my payment is late.^

So enjoy being pursued while you can Brek because one day the only foreigners calling you will want to take your money, not give you money.

*The only one of these clubs that I could see going after Brek would be Man United. Sir Alex ain't scared of a bit of American horsepower. See Jonathon Spector, Jovan Kirovski and Kenny Cooper.

^In truth the only suitor I need these days is my half-Romanian wife.

Timbers Do Portland Fashion Week, Fail to Put Bird on It

2011-10-08T08:06:00.001-04:00

Strike a pose. Or pose at Troy Perkins.

When People Say Something is "Just Crazy Enough to Work", the Detroit Stadium Plan is EXACTLY What They are Talking About

2011-10-07T12:16:00.003-04:00

Y'all seen then stadium proposal in Detroit? Looks crazy but if they can pull it off more power to them because I actually think The Mitten would be a better spot for an MLS club than The Wang. Not nearly as fun of a roadtrip -mojitos and beaches top all- but a better home for a soccer team.

Unless you are Chicago or Toronto fan. In that case Detroit would be the roadtrip.

NSR: The Horrible Crowes "Behold The Hurricane"

2011-10-06T20:34:00.001-04:00

I'm sure I've posted this song sans video before but I'm still feeling it. Give it another shot if it didn't grab you the first time.

Oh My, Omar Open to Mexico

2011-10-06T15:52:00.002-04:00

Omar Gonzalez says he's open to suiting up for El Tri. This makes me sad. Not because he'd go the other way (he has dual citizenship) but because Klinsmann's hesitancy to call up the big man is what's driven him to contemplate such madness.

Or maybe it's not madness, just gamesmanship. It's kind of like how sometimes the one you want doesn't feel you until you show interest in whoever it is they can't stand. So yeah, all is fair in love and international soccer.

If You Get the Caption in This Post About Rio Ferdinand You Are Punk Rock. Also, Old.

2011-10-06T10:08:00.003-04:00

Manchester United defender and apparent victim of Carlos Tevez' penchant for amateur proctology Rio Ferdinand will not be headed to the land of Old Style and Wilco anytime soon according to the Chicago Fire.

“There is no substance to these current reports that the Fire is negotiating with Manchester United and the player to bring him to Chicago,” a Fire spokesperson said. “We have watched and admired the play of Rio Ferdinand for a number of years, and we would be thrilled to have a player of his quality join the Chicago Fire Soccer Club.”

So sorry y'all. Looks like the infamous hot-shorts won't be making an appearance on the streets of Bridgeview this summer. Shame, that.

The Chivas USA Goat-Man Has Huge Thighs, Sexy Backup Dancers

2011-10-06T09:40:00.002-04:00

This really makes life worth living. Or at the very least worth blogging about.

Demitrius Does Degrassi

2011-10-03T16:43:00.003-04:00

A day in the life TFC rookie and TOR favorite Demitrious Omphroy: training, neck tattoos and Degrassi High auditions.

VIDEO: LA-RSL Post-Game Kerfuffle

2011-10-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

I have no idea what Jason Kreis said to David Beckham but my uneducated guess is that it was something along the lines of "your Moms." Lip-readers, try to prove me wrong.

The Don Talks Scheduling

2011-10-03T10:29:00.005-04:00

Hey y'all. Did you miss me? No? Figured as much. I was in rock mode for a few days doing the ATP thing so I wasn't really in the blogging state of mind.

I did see a few games this weekend though but unfortunately the Vancouver - Portland game was not one of them. And because I missed the game I missed The Don's halftime remarks about scheduling, downtown stadiums, MLS Cup locations and all that other commissionery stuff he likes to talk about. Thank G-D for the magic of the internet though because look, here he is! And in a fly grey suit!

Obligatory "Jozy Altidore Scored" Post

2011-09-29T14:09:00.002-04:00

Another Europa League match day, another Jozy Altidore goal. I've honestly lost count of how many he has now with AZ Alkmaar. Can't say I've ever had that issue with an American Outsourced to Europe™ before; it's a nice problem to have.

Kings of the Rockies Trailer

2011-09-29T10:30:00.002-04:00

Coming to a desktop near you.

The Cosmos Come Alive in FIFA12

2011-09-28T15:39:00.003-04:00

This is kind of incredible. Less than 48 hours after release some intrepid Cosmos fan has created a kits-and-all Cosmos team in FIFA12 based on the team that played in the Paul Scholes testimonial. That is dedication to the NYC2 dream folks.

I do wonder though if EA and the team in green missed an opportunity to make the classic Cosmos team as an unlockable team. Hate ‘em if you want but you know it would be fun to pit Pele, Chinaglia, Alberto and The Kaiser against today’s greats. Maybe next year.

[via Empire of Soccer]

Photo of the Day: 'Caps Fan Brings a Date to Cascadia Derby

2011-09-28T14:43:00.002-04:00

Submitted without comment.

TMZ Gets Ginger Confused, Mistakes Lalas for Lohan

2011-09-28T14:36:00.002-04:00

video platform video management video solutions video player

OK that is a deceptive headline but I figured TMZ is on perpetual LiLo-watch so any ginger that gets caught in the cross-hairs is free game.

Anyway I have to agree with Alexi's assessment of Steve Jones' playing ability. Having seen him play first-hand he is shockingly good for a man of his age and build. And he will not hestate to run you over on his way to goal.

Carlos Bocanegra is One Stylish Latino

2011-09-28T10:04:00.003-04:00

According to the good people at Complex magazine, Carlos Bocanegra is One Stylish Latino-American. That's cool becuase while most folks know Boca is stylish they don't know that he was Latino-American. You learn something new everyday.

As If Front-Row Seats Needed Imporovment

2011-09-28T09:38:00.003-04:00

I know us soccer types don't always agree on things online but for once I think we can finally all be on the same page about something. If you have to sit, as opposed to stand, at your local MLS match wouldn't you agree that these are pretty much the best seats ever? The only way to improve them is to lose the guy next to you and replace them with smokestick of your choice*.

*I choose Leila Arcieri. Those Afro-Italian girls --all 12 of them-- get me every time.

Kansas City Franchise Reinvention Now Reaching Madonna Levels

2011-09-27T09:40:00.004-04:00

Dear people-who-used-to-start-"Move Kansas City"-threads-on-BigSoccer-every-week,

Here's further proof that your pronouncements of a KC soccer organization's inability to find success was a wee bit premature. It's OK though, no one could have predicted it (except for OnGoal LLC.)

Signed
SF

Taylor Twellman on the Three-Year Headache, Dreamless Sleep

2011-09-27T09:13:00.005-04:00

I don't watch ESPN really outside of soccer coverage but apparently they had TT on there the other day to talk about the scourge that is concussions, which is not to be confused with the issue of cons cussin'. The former is a big issue on soccer fields the world over while the latter is largely an issue within penitentiaries.

Feeling Like Cameron Frye

2011-09-26T12:31:00.000-04:00

Sick today. Talk amongst yourselves.

DeRo 4, RSL 1

2011-09-24T23:53:00.003-04:00

Did you see The DeRo Show? The ratings may not be all that but it is critically acclaimed. Seriously, this was the best show on television Saturday night not to feature Alec Baldwin and Radiohead.

NSR: Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs "Trouble"

2011-09-23T14:01:00.002-04:00

In addition to having the most absurd name in music since Test Icicles, Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs have a new video out. But it totally sucks. This one from the beginning of the summer is much better. Enjoy it. Or not.

This is Not a Misspelling: Sacha Vander MostvanSpijk

2011-09-22T10:57:00.005-04:00

A profile on Sacha Vander MostvanSpijk, former head of Youth Development at Chivas USA. He is now involved in the deeply-flawed, money-spinning enterprise that is US Club Soccer. Seems like a cool guy though, very forthright with his opinions on the state of the game in the U.S. Nice video as well, much more easily digested than the spelling of his last name.

NSR: Washed Out "Amor Fati"

2011-09-21T11:41:00.002-04:00

The official video for the best cut on the latest Washed Out album has finally arrived and it's a truncated, Norwegian road movie. Which is an interesting choice for a song by a band from South Carolina who make music for Ibizan sunsets but hey, globalism right?

Bobby Bradley in Egypt, Surrounded

2011-09-21T10:19:00.003-04:00

The image above is of Bobby Blue Eyes surrounded by reporters at Cairo International. Allegedly he's been hired by Egypt but since everybody thought he was hired by a foreign entity the last time he was photographed in customs I'm going to take it easy on writing whatever it is I think about this move.

This flies directly in the fact of the Soccer Blogger Code of Reactionary Rambling About Things That Have Happened That I Know Little About But (Wrongly) Feel Like Everybody Wants to Know What I Have to Say About It Beacuase My Opinion Counts, Damnit™ and I'm OK with that. Hopefully you are to.

The Librarian: Soccer Made in St. Louis

2011-09-20T15:22:00.005-04:00

Attention book nerds, there is a new American soccer tome on the block. It's called Soccer Made in St. Louis and it's about the secret history of Toledo, OH's underground Polish badminton leagues.

OK fine, it's about the obvious --St. Louis soccer-- and you should check it out. I haven't read it yet but come on, only about 2 American soccer books come out a year so get your debit cards out and do your bit at Amazon.com.

Afro-Germerican™ of the Moment: Jann George

2011-09-20T09:51:00.004-04:00

Bam! There's another Afro-Germerican™ out there, which now leaves me one man shy of having enough players for a Starting XI (thanks for the tips). His name is Jann George, he's 19 and he scored the other day for Nurnberg's U-23's; I know this because Brian Sciaretta, czar of Americans Outsourced to Europe™ reporting, says so.

He is also the Black Stuart Holden™ due to his shockingly accurate approximation of our Stuart's look. Which may or may not be a good look for him, the jury is still out.

So the unofficial Afro-Germerican™ count now looks like this.

Jann George (forward, FC Nurnberg)
Jerome Kiesewetter (forward, Hertha Berlin)
Tim Chandler (defender, FC Nurnberg)
Jermaine Jones (midfiedler, Schalke 04)
David Yelldell (keeper, Bayer Leverkusen)
Fabian Johnson (forward, Hoffenheim)
Terrence Boyd (forward, Dortmund)
John Anthony Brooks (defender, Hertha Berlin)
Danny Williams (defender, Hoffenheim)
Andrew Wooten (striker, Kaiserslautern II)

Come on TOR-folk, find me an 11th man!

14 Year-Old D.C. Phenom, Arsenal Engaged in Courtship Dance

2011-09-20T09:21:00.007-04:00

An excerpt from Steven Goff's super-fine piece on D.C. 14 year-old Gedion Zelalem, who recently spent 10 days training with Arsenal’s prospects.

"Zelalem is not the first high school soccer player from the area to seek a pro career. Most famously, Freddy Adu, a native of Ghana and a naturalized U.S. citizen, signed with Major League Soccer in 2004 at age 14 and played regularly with D.C. United for three years before being traded to Real Salt Lake.

Zelalem is a different case, in several ways. Contrasting the flash and explosiveness that made Adu an international sensation at age 12, Zelalem is a nuanced player who orchestrates from a deep central position and threads passes through narrow channels. He has an assist in each match for Walter Johnson and hasn’t scored.

“His sophistication and understanding of the game is far higher than anyone I’ve seen,” said Wildcats Coach Mike Williams, a former Howard University defender. “He is able to set the tempo like none other.”

D.C. United youth program, where ya at?

Montreal Impact x Daft Punk x Sebastien Le Toux

2011-09-19T11:24:00.004-04:00

The Frenchist thing you'll see all day this side of a Gauloises at a Jean K Jean stand-up set. Also, start your Seba-to-Quebec trade conspiracies right...about...now.

"Did they give you extra hair in the game? Because it looks like it is a full head of hair."

2011-09-19T10:38:00.005-04:00

Now this looks much more natural that that Solo v. Nash clip. Either LD and Lincecum have better writers and a semester of Improv for Athletes under their belt or they were legitimately talking sh*t with one another. Either way it's gold.

Hope Solo v. Steve Nash

2011-09-19T10:29:00.004-04:00

Hope Solo & Steve Nash are fantastic athletes, pretty good celebrities and decent gamers. You know what they're not good at? Acting!

Milking the CJ Sapong Meets Hope Solo Video Like an Engorged Cows Teat

2011-09-18T12:36:00.002-04:00

How big is the CJ Sapong/Hope Solo video? So big that they are releasing bonus footage, George Lucas style. Sadly, I doubt we'll see a Wampa attack.

NSR: Wilco "Born Alone"

2011-09-16T20:10:00.003-04:00

Friday night backyard beer-drinking music. Grab a Shiner and join me, won't you?

Yessssss: Becks' "Ricky" Returns.

2011-09-16T15:49:00.003-04:00

Ricky is back. And he works, unconvincingly it would seem, at Target. He may not have the shoppers completely fooled but he does make me laugh so. Chuckle chuckle y'all.