7.31.2010

Rafa Marquez-to-RBNY Conspiracy Item #124



You don't take out full page ads in Portuguese for Luke Rogers. Just sayin'.

7.30.2010

The Freddie Ljungberg Deal: Couldn't Both Sides do Better?




So much for the sweet Swede and TiTi getting the band back together in New York. Freddie Ljungberg has moved to Chicago and I'm kinda torn on who is getting the shaft in this deal: Chicago or Seattle? On one hand all Seattle is getting for a DP is a conditional draft pick. A conditional draft pick? Are you kidding me? The 'Quakes got a conditional draft pick AND Chris Wondolowski for Cam Weaver. Surely Ljungberg is worth more than that; they couldn't throw in some "future considerations" at the very least?

And Chicago? They get another gifted but sortakindacrazygonuts guy to go along with gifted but sortakindacrazygonuts Nery Castillo. Basically they are going to have a midfield made up of a Euro and a Latino version of Murdoch from The A-Team. Is there really a winner in this deal?

Kyle Martino: Baller of the Year?

KYLE

Is July to early to award the prestigious TOR Baller of the Year Award? Perhaps but at the very least I'm going to put Kyle Martino in the running. Why? Dude's got a new show coming up on FSC and he's dating Eva Amurri from Californication aka Susan Surandon Jr. No, seriously he is. Congratulations to him on both counts; he looks happy. Play on player.

Anthony Wallace: Colorado Rapid



So as you may have heard, FC Dallas player and former 80's Baby Anthony Wallace is now former FC Dallas player and former 80's Baby Anthony Wallace. Remember that time I interviewed him. That was fun, right?

NSR: Cut Copy Returns, Enter Brian Wilson Phase



Every music nut goes through a Beach Boys and/or Beatles phase. Speaking as a former record store geek, it is widely accepted that at some point all record store geeks experience a time in their life when they feel that Pet Sounds and Revolver are the greatest thing to happen to human ears since multiple piercings and have to either A) tell you this with an annoying regularity or B) start a band to try to emulate Pet Sounds and Revolver to no avail.

Thing is most people go through this phase in high school or college, not once they are established as one of the leading global exporters of Antipodean disco rock. But leave it to Cut Copy to trade in the ecstasy for the acid this late in the game. The results aren't bad though, a nice mid-summer anthem for the post-dance floor set.

Naked News is Not News



I am not agreeing with anything this anchor says because I do not believe that she is an accredited member of any journalistic trade organizations.

7.28.2010

Work is a Four Letter Word.



BTW I hadn't forgot about y'all, just on that day job grind in Houston. If you are curious as to what I have been up to I'll tell you: chasing the officiating controversy at the All Star celebrity game, analyzing Slim Thug's goalkeeping debut, getting called fat by an NFL player, watching Bobby Boswell call out commentators and catching up with the Five Foot Assassin. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go sleep off this BBQ before the match.

P.S. Pat Onstad basically said Slim can't rap; the Houston-Canada hip-hop beef starts now!

Preki, the Rainbow Return to K.C.

Preki

Is there a better reason to go to a Wizards game than watching TOR favorites Ryan Smith, KK, Teal Bun B and Big Jimmy Conrad? Yes: Preki bobbleheads complete with rainbowed-throwback kit.

American Soccer's Most-Famous Has-Been Appears to be Rising From Grave

Cosmos

What the hell is really going on with the New York Cosmos? For a team that doesn't exist they sure seem to be raising their profile as of late. I'm not lying to you when I say that I see more stickers for this team on lampposts, in subways and streetsigns in culturally-influential lower Manhattan than I've ever seen advertising for RBNY in the city.

They've also got that newish website --which dropped a new video this morning. Why is someone investing in a street marketing campaign for a defunct club? Why is someone dropping Matt & Kim-soundtracked mixtapes chocked full of Chinaglia goals? Why, why, why? Surely the truth is out there...could someone please tell it?

7.27.2010

Football's David Anderson Makes the Futbol Fans Laugh



The ringer at last night's party at Venue in Houston aka Bobby Boswell's Def Comedy Soccer Jam was Houston Texan David Anderson. Kid was a pro up there and could probably get paid a pretty penny to take his show on the road.

Here's most of his set from last night including his NSFW takes on the University of Phoenix, teammate Owen Daniels, fantasy football, the ease with which NFL and players attract the ladies. There's also a few friendly digs at the Dynamo boys that had most of the room ROFL.

Last Night's Party: Bobby Boswell's Def Comedy Jam



Can I tell you something? Bobby Boswell surprised the hell out of me. Dude's All Star party last night at Venue was beyond funny, beyond great. The club was packed, the ladies were scandalously hot and there where all manner of pro athletes there to buy them drinks.

As for the comedy, it was unexpectedly top notch and VERY NSFW. Seriously, even I won't touch half the jokes Tally Hall , Houston Texans' player David Anderson (who soooooo has a future on the stage) and Boswell dropped. Even host Guy Torry -a giant of the comedy club circuit- voiced his shock at how funny the guys where. Bobby if you read this, thank you for raising the bar for both lowbrow humor and soccer-related nightlife in America; I salute you.

I also salute Guy Torry for trying to "hood up" Brian Ching, a player who looks like he's on Dancing With The Stars."

7.26.2010

Landon Donovan & The Mexican Lottery Remind Us All That Sequels are Rarely as Good as the Original



Lando drops his second advert for the Mexican lottery. It's not a great as the first one as, ironically, it looks like somebody stole his sombrero.

Today in Stadium P0rn: K.C. Wizards Commercial Edition



Teal Bun B and Double K botch it & scarper at the site of the new Wizards stadium. Can't believe how quickly that place is getting built; hopefully a good portion of the 52K that went to Arrowhead yesterday will want to come out to it.

7.24.2010

Viva Futbol #57



The all-out footie mixtape king, Alarazboy, is back. Praise Jesus, Allah, Budha or the deity of your choice.

7.23.2010

Phife Dawg to Coach at MLS All Star Celebrity Game



Check out the tentative rosters for the celebrity game at the 2010 MLS All Star Jam. Phife Dawg from A Tribe Called Quest be the best coach since ________.

Team 1
Head coach – Phife (Tribe Called Quest)
Assistant coach – Lovel Palmer (Houston Dynamo)
Players: Jeff Agoos (New York Red Bulls technical director; five-time MLS Cup champion; 1998, 2002 World Cups); Baby Bash (rapper); Chingo Bling (musical artist); Brandi Chastain (1991, 1999, 2003 Women’s World Cups); Marcus Coleman (former Houston Texans defensive back); Misael Espinoza (1994 World Cup); Allen Hopkins (ESPN sideline reporter); Alexi Lalas (ESPN analyst; 1994, 1998 World Cups); Bubba McDowell (former Houston Oilers defensive back); David Paul (KHOU Houston); Slim Thug (rapper); Eric Wynalda (Fox Football Fone-In co-host; 1990, 1994, 1998 World Cups).

Team 2
Head coach – Patrick Patterson (Houston Rockets draft pick)
Assistant coach – Mike Chabala (Houston Dynamo)
Players: David Anderson (Houston Texans wide receiver); Marcelo Balboa (1990, 1994, 1998 World Cups); Corey Bradford (former Houston Texans wide receiver); Joy Fawcett (1991, 1995, 1999, 2003 Women’s World Cups); Brandi Garcia (Houston-area DJ); Phil Garner (former Houston Astros manager); John Harkes (ESPN analyst; 1990, 1994 World Cups); Temryss Lane (Fox Football Fone-In personality); Jesus Ortiz (Houston Chronicle reporter); Sarah Pepper (HOT 95.7 FM); Tab Ramos (1990, 1994, 1998 World Cups); Rasta Roots (DJ).

Referees
Corey Ashe, Danny Cruz (Houston Dynamo)

Just So Y'all Know...



...I'm at the airport on my way to SUM Cup and the All Star game. It is officially on.

7.22.2010

What's Benny Feilhaber Up to?

Benny

Not sweating mud while gazing hypnotically into the camera. Just regular-assed sweating while trying to get fit for whatever team tabs him for 2010. Red Bull New York, here is that central midfielder you so desperately need.

Quasi-Substantiated Rumor of the Day: Trezeguet to RBNY

Tour

David Trezeguet is coming to New York according to his agent. What the hell are they trying to do out in Harrison, get the band back together? And if this move goes through how long until there is crepes stand behind the Cape May end? Although there is a quote in the article saying that he's going to make a move next year my gut says this won't happen until 2012; the clue is in the photo.

Coach & Team Quite Literally Lashes Out at the Media



What's with all the unusual (and unnecessary) violence in soccer lately? The other day a player tried to choke out a ref. Today a team and it's coach try to put the smack down on the media. What happened to the good old days when players only tried to maim each other?

7.21.2010

Video: 90 +

Get Microsoft Silverlight

All the best from last week's MLS play with an production assist on the soundtrack from Chuck D. (yes, that Chuck D.) and MC's Mossberg & J-Blev. Yessir.

Rio Tinto Gets All Rocked Out



Really rad, really random time-lapse video of Rio Tinto Stadium being converted for concert use ahead of Paul McCartney's first-ever show in Utah. Surprising decent canned music in this...although this would have been an amazing choice as well.

ESPN Does Decent TiTi Interview To Balance Out Fox Debacle



This is not the greatest interview ever in the history of sport but compared to that freakshow interview on Good Day New York earlier in the week this shit is Frost/Nixon. And if you still can't get enough of The Black Jean Girard, there is also a bonus cut: 5 Things.

And here's a bonus to the bonus: Derek Rae trying to look 'ard with TiTi and big, f*ck-off trophy.

7.20.2010

Andy Najar Gets His First Magazine Cover

Najar

The cover of the Honduran magazine above says that "the gringos" are after Andy Najar. I don't think they are talking about Arsenal but you never know. Tell you what though: I'd gladly hand over their hero J Bo for the 17 year-old in an even trade, no questions asked.

Manchester United at NYC Stop on Trip Around the Continent

Hublot

As if Manchester United didn't have enough to do while they wind their way across the whole of North America, a few members of the Red Devils will be kicking a ball down the middle of Broadway in NYC on Thursday. Anyone fancy a late lunch to watch Nani, Michael Owen and Giggsy with me?

MLS Final Kick: Week 16



New York, RSL and D.C. fans may wish to pass on taking in this post.

The Two Escobars x DVD



In case you missed its original airing on ESPN, The Two Escobars is now available on DVD. You should buy it (and the rest of the 30 For 30 films). Not because I said so but because Uncrate says so. Also, because it quite possibly the best soccer doc to be released this year.

In Honor of JPA Making the All Star Team...



...here's a random mixtape with what sound's like music from Dan Brown's iPod. Welcome.

There Go J Bo

Jbo

J Bo to Mexico? Say it ain't so! What? It is so! Oh noes. What will happen to Chivas USA, nobody knows!

7.19.2010

'Memba This?



I heard this song on the radio today for the first time since Chris Brown became persona non grata. Brought me back to Benny Feilhaber and the peak of 2008. Good Times.

Player Gets Fed Up with Ref, Goes All WWE



"There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Sh*t, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping."

-Chris Rock, Bring the Pain, 1996

Sure, you've always wanted to put a ref in the sleeper hold. Who hasn't? But there are somethings you just don't do and choking down the man in charge is one of them. If ever there was a case for a card worse that red this is it.

Thierry Henry Suffers Fools Lightly



TiTi continues the Manahattan media mayhem: this morning it was the city's most insipid morning show, Good Day New York. I have to say he's been a trooper with this stuff but I get the feeling that if interviewers don't start prepping he's going to crack. Watch at your own peril.

Getting All NSFW in the LA Galaxy Locker Room



Rad & ribald "journalist"/counterfeit soccer mom Grace Parra visits the Galaxy locker room and basically gives us the most entertaining piece of video we'll see all day to not involve a remix of that disturbing Burger King parking lot fight. It's got it all: masturbation jokes, ejaculation jokes, penetration jokes and Bryan Jordon dropping the term "freeballing." Basically the humor here is so impeccably immature and innuendo-laced that I'm convinced that the hostess is somehow in league with Judd Apatow. Does anyone know if he uses the pseudonym "Liz Bohnsack", the producer credit on this clip, ever?

[H/T Jrodius via Twiiter]

50 Cent Engadges in More Celebrity Glory-Seeking



Remember when 50 Cent was kind of a big deal? Remember when he was kind of a big deal and brought TiTi onstage with him in Paris and the whole place lost their collective French sh*t? This is kinda like that except 50 switches the location to Rio and the special guest to Ronaldinho; surprisingly, Brazil does not lose it's sh*t...in fact they keep their sh*t pretty well in possession.

It's awkward and painful to watch. But then again that's 50 Cent's musical career in a nutshell these days (I blame his association with Rohan Ricketts). Ronnie's fall from grace must be worse than I thought though if he's getting this kind of muted response back home; perhaps a move to Flamengo wouldn't be the best thing for, eh?

7.18.2010

Donovan Now a Page Six Regular, World Turned Upside Down

Vegas

Remember the other day when I was all high on Bianca Kajlich after she and LD were all loved-up at the ESPY's? I thought for sure they were back on; they looked all gooey and quite frankly I hoped they were back on because I am a sap who enjoys a good love story*.

That was on July 14th. The photo above though is from July 10th when according to the New York Post, America's second-worst newspaper, our Landon was "giving his number out like a business card to every female who recognized him" at the Aria Resort's dope as anything Liquid Pool + Lounge while the Galaxy were in New England for a match against the Revs.

So yeah. I think I read too much into/hoped for too much with the whole red carpet, show-of-support scene. If the tabloids are to be believed -something I don't recommend doing but you never know- the reigning Honda Player of the Year is now in the running for the prestigious TOR Baller of the Year award. Crazy how one goal can do more for your celebrity status than nearly 10 years of domestic soccer dominance can, right?


*I cry when I watch Ghost.

Rivers Coumo in Potential Team-Switch Shocker!

Rivers

So Weezer played a show for a few thousand folks Friday night on the Brooklyn waterfront and frontman/avowed footie freak Rivers Coumo strolled out onto the stage in a TH14 kit. This in and of itself is cool but upon further review it's kind of sketchball. Isn't dude a Galaxy diehard? Scandalous!

So I'll just put this out there to my brothers & sisters of the Riot Squad, Angel City Brigade, Galaxians and LA fans in general: is this a betrayal? Is this one of the most heinous acts of celebrity glory-seeking to hit American soccer in a generation or is this just pandering to the locals?

7.16.2010

Convincing Evidence that Thierry Henry is in Fact The Black Jean Girard



When I told you TiTi was the Black "Jean Girard" I seriously had no idea he did this the day before! Just wow. Life imitating art like a mug. So does this make Juan Pablo Angel "Ricky Bobby?" And who the hell is "Cal Naughton Jr.?" Joel Lindpere?

TiTiWatch2010: Folies de Fallon



Henry PK stopped by Jimmy Fallon; New York has no chance at winning the cup.

Not That it Has Anything to do With Anything But...



It hit me last night: TiTi is the black Jean Girard. Good day.

7.15.2010

Video: Henry Does Morning Joe



TiTi is running the Manhattan media gauntlet this morning and I wish him well. If his appearance on Morning Joe is anything to go by I'm sure he's in for a few shockers in regard to the inanity of some morning TV hosts. This is a long clip but stick with it if you can to the part where they begin talking about the attractiveness of soccer players and push the awkward-meter to 11; the look on Henry's face just says it all.

The Best Thing About Thierry Henry Coming to MLS...

Bonus

...I can now add him to my Red Bull New York squad on FIFA10 and not feel like I am somehow cheating the system. If I now have a player that can do this I bet the team rating goes up a star & a half with his addition alone. MLS Cup here I come (on PS3 at least).

E! Network: Your Destination For Breaking U.S. Soccer News



Here's the thing. I could bag on E! for asking Lando about the alleged baby momma-drama with his wife standing right there but you know that if they didn't we'd have never heard an answer on whether or not there was a kid on the way or if it was all a Ghanaian plot to throw him off his game ahead of of the Round of 16 (my personal conspiracy theory on the whole episode).

I'll tell you this though: Bianca Kajlich is the ultimate "Ride or Die" chick. Not that anyone wants to be in that situation, but how many ladies do you know that will stand next to you on a red carpet with a beauty pageant smile on their face while some TV presenter gets all up in your business like the I.R.S. on national TV? I'll tell you how many. 2. Tammy Wynette and Bianca Kajlich.

Now I can see why she's still LD's "Diamond Girl" (aka the one that he put the rock on). If you can trick a woman this down and this fine into marrying you, you have to do whatever you have to do -counseling, time apart, whipping ass in the EPL, whatever- to hang on to her; love like this is as rare as a Columbus Crew home loss.

Yanks Win ESPY, Look Good Doing It



Check our boys out y'all. Winning awards and rocking the sh*t out of them suits. Seriously, dudes look like they're dressed for the set of Oceans U-13. Any guy reading this take note: it is high time we enter the GQ era of American soccer. Get your ass a nice suit that fits, a couple of organic cotton shirts with a little bit of color (a little bit, you don't want to look like Steve Harvey or some sh*t) and a square bottom tie with a clip; if you have a lady she will love you in it and if you are single the ladies (plural) will love you in it. It's what they call a win-win boys.

7.14.2010

Virtual PGE Park Is the Avatar of Seat Selectors



Damn these virtual seat selector's have come really far, really fast. The Red Bull Arena looks like Atari next to this one and it was only out a year ago. Portland = digital ballers.

Jozy Altidore x Eric Stonestreet x Scoop Jackson X Jim Beam



So here's a random one: Young Jozy and the hirsute homosexualist off of the excellent Modern Family debating who gets more women: athletes or actors. Surprisingly it's not nearly as awkward as it sounds on paper.

I know he's just BSing and having fun but our Jozy sounds like his head has gotten as big as his transfer fee. There is confidence and there is cockiness & the way they cut this makes my dude sound like he is riding the thin line between the two pretty hard. The "Black George Clooney?" I smell a new tag.

There are two other parts to this piece if you are down for the bourbon-themed infotainment. Here's one, here's the other. Knock yourself out (while knocking back a Jim Beam).

Video: The Official TH14 Mixtape

Get Microsoft Silverlight

I'm sorry if I offend anyone with my all-TiTi, all-day programming today but I'm sure most of you will understand that as a fan of a historically unsuccessful franchise this signing is second only to the opening of Red Bull Arena on the "Least Whack/Most Dope"-scale. Those of you who are real, honest-to-God fans of a team will understand my drunk-on-a-DP madness today and won't hold it against me.

I would also like to offer an apology to those who feel that TOR would be better suited to deriding this signing as a failure before it even happened, saying TiTi is old/slow/a cheat, that he won't bring instant sell-outs to Red Bull Arena or something equally negative just because it is my first instinct as an American soccer fan with a small, crap blog. Like I said, I would like to offer an apology but I can't and won't. Why let cynicism get the best of me and be preemptively negative when it's far more fun to fantasize about a ridiculously vainglorious march into the post-season?

So having said all that...Big Bank Hank in all his Arsenal glory. Just like Kanye said on "Number 1" it's so unfair, so unreasonable.

Weird-Ass Live Group Video Interview With Brand Beckham


David Beckham participating in a live interview by fans with questions coming from UK, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Canada, USA, Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea, Singapore, Malaysia, Australia, India, Dubai and perhaps even Uranus. Feel free to submit your own via Facebook now.

Video: Making Pretty Pictures with TiTi

Get Microsoft Silverlight

You may have seen these pretty pictures with Thierry "Big Bank Hank" Henry in his new Red Bulls kit. Here's a video showing how they make them; I am impressed that he does all his own stunts.

Who's Happiest About the Henry Acquistion?



You know who's happiest about TiTi coming to New York? Here's a list of possible suspects:
  • Thierry because he's once again getting a boatload of money to live in one of the great cities of the world.
  • Red Bull New York because they now have a world class star that many annoying Tri-State area Eurosnobs won't be able to resist coming to see in their world class venue.
  • RBNY fans because dude is, you know, good.
  • Yannick Noah & Youri Djorkaeff because they are tired of being the most famous members of Manhattan's notoriously bourgie French ex-pat community.
  • Juan Pablo Angel because he's finally got someone that can take the heat off of him up top and play at his level.
For my money, it's definitely JPA. Ever since Jozy went on his vacation far away the dude has been the only 9 in a room full 6's. I love my RBNY boys, I really do, but let's be honest here...JPA is on some other sh*t compared to the strikers he has been paired with and he hasn't had a real running buddy that could get him the ball on the reg post-Dave van den Berg. Check out the clip above of Angel talking Henry back in May; you can't tell me this fool won't be poppin' bottles after his first practice with TiTi.

Thierry Henry Announced as a Red Bull (or See, Dreams Can Come True!)

TORHenry

Here it is folks
(via a full page Bastille Day ad in the New York Times, thanks Fishkin). The news we all knew was coming and it is f*cking awesome (unless you are an Irishman with a grudge to hold). Thierry Henry is coming to MLS, specifically my New York Red Bulls, and there ain't a damn thing anyone can do about it, not even West Ham.

How great is that by the way that a World Class player who is still capable of ballin' completely the f*ck outta control has turned down a significant deal with a well-known EPL side to sign with our little league? I'll tell you how great it is. Jumping out of a plane while dodging explosions and flying Great White sharks awesome. And I don't care if he did have a blatant handball against my Irish cousins, the man dates models & clowns keepers and that folks is entertainment, which last time I checked sports fell under that category.

Say what you want, but this signing is The Most Important Signing in the History of the New York Franchise, Today. He may not be as household namey -although close- as Becks but I'm betting this guy will be a part of more SportsCenter-worthy highlights by a mile.

7.12.2010

BTW...

...on a brief pre-transfer window vacation today & tomorrow so you won't hear much from me. Y'all ke pp rocking and see you Wednesday.

7.11.2010

Congratulations to the Following...




Spain are now champions of both Europe & the World and I would like to congratulate the following entities:
  • The Spanish public
  • The Spanish team, staff & federation
  • Manchego cheese
  • Penelope Cruz
  • Estrella Damm
  • Salvador Dali
Rocki it out tonight y'all, it's your party.

Straight Outta Brooklyn: The Most-NSFW World Cup Analysis




With the 2010 World Cup final soon to roll upon us like soccer-specific drive-by, it is only appropriate that we get some crack analysis from alleged Brooklyn rapper Dutch Master. It was pretty funny at points but then just really foul & totally NSFW. Watch this creep at your own peril.

7.09.2010

Henry-To-NY Conspiracy Item #242

Street

Jersey City, NJ: where the streets have a name.

An Now Gary Neville With a Very Special Message for Kansas City



Things Gary Neville is looking forward to: playing against the Wizards. Things Gary Neville is not looking forward to: shaving. Ol' boy is looking like an aging musketeer these days. Jesus.

Henry-To-NY Conspiracy Item #231



Thierry Henry has only ever used the locker that is third from the end on the left-hand side of a corner (when facing it). FACT.*

*Confirmed independently through the TOR Institute for Marginally Scientific Research.

7.08.2010

Pitch Black: A Party of Epicly World Cup Proportions

Green

Do you like soccer? Are you a "multi-ethnic trendsetter" and/or an "international traveler?" Do you find Conor Chinn and Andrew Boyens to be strangely exotic and alluring? Is it your opinion that liquor tastes better when consumed while ballin' outta control in a biodome-cum-bar fat with members of the New York socceratti rocking mid-day bottle service? Yes? Cool, then we can party.

NSR: The Return of Children's Hospital



Since there has been nothing worth making a joke about today in Soccersville, Americaland I will treat you all to a full episode from the upcoming season of TOR favorite Children's Hospital. It's a laugh-a-minute and one hell of a drinking game when you throw one back every time you spot a recognizable actor. Bottoms up.

7.07.2010

Debacle! "Couture Cup" Ruined By Spanish!

DerSad

Der Sadness is back so you need to crank this a la 2007 Soldier Boy. Sorry for your loss Germany, I was pulling for you this (one & only) time but now thanks to the Spanish we'll all be denied the spectacle of what would have been "The Couture Cup." Whackness.

Adidas Price Andrew Boyens as Equal to Jack Squat

Boyens

Did you see this thing Adidas did where they ran down the World Cup by the numbers? It's real special. They have this one bit where they go through the value of various World Cup players on the international transfer market. You know which player gets a zero-dollar price tag attached to him? Red Bull New York's Andrew Boyens. So cold Adidas, so cold.

Andrew I know you have better things to do than to read some dude's Blogspot thingy, but I just want you to know that I'm cool with you even if those German sneaker impresario's aren't. Seriously my Kiwi cousin, I'd put at least 5 on you.

Something That Only Deadspin, Stoned Seth Rogan & a 13 year-old Boy Would Notice




I really should read Deadspin more than twice a year. I know that sounds crazy to some folks but it's just not on my regular radar, probably because I can go there once every six months and read all of the soccer stories in less than an hour comfortably. Apparently though with this being a World Cup year they are all about the footy and have stepped up the coverage while keeping it painstakingly juvenile. Bravo.

MLS Final Kick: Week 14



In case you missed any of the Week 14 action due to inebriated celebrating of liberty, ESPN's Final Kick has got your back. Tell 'em "thanks and buy 'em a beer next time you see them.

Chris Albright x Red Bull Arena x Time Magazine



Check out Chris Albright giving a little clinic for Time Magazine. Informative stuff for people like me who have spent less than 12 hours of their post-puberty life actually playing the game.

Photo of the Day: Henry-to-NY Conspiracy Item #214

Statue

So this photo arrived in my in box today and was allegedly taken by someone who was at the Red Bull Air Races a few weeks ago at Liberty State Park in my former hood of Jersey City, NJ. If you're not familiar, the park sits just behind the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island and served as the viewing area for the event. Apparently some of the event staff strung up a kit of their corporate cousins, Red Bull New York, onto the body of Lady Liberty for a few hours after the event.

This could be read as an obvious & direct attempt to reach out to the lucrative Staten Island Ferry demo...or it could be further proof that the rumors are true and TiTi Henry is merely a step-over away from buying his crepes in SoHo from now on. I don't want to read too much into it (OK I really do) but just to pile on to other recent clues, all I'm going to say is this: you know the French gave us that statue right?

The Real Reason Germany HAS to Win Today

coaches

For reasons that are as mysterious as the whereabouts of Ante Razov, I loathe the German national team. But today for reasons that are as plain and superficial as the Hilton sisters I am rooting for them to defeat Spain in their World Cup semi-final match.

Why? Because a Netherlands-Germany final is what the world needs. Not for the outrageously nationalistic statements (mostly from Dutch fans/media) about repaying past cultural & political injustices. And not for the grand display of superb technical & tactical soccer that would surely be on display if the two were to meet in the final. People, this needs to happen for fashion.

That's right, I'm suggesting that the greatest sporting event in the history of humanity not to include lions & a Roman coliseum be co-opted on behalf of the only thing in existence more continental than the Champions League theme song: couture.

I admit that this entire argument is bullsh*t but one look at the managerial staffs of these two nations and you just know that this is what was billed as "the dream final" on the World Cup bracket in the break room of the GQ Magazine offices. Seriously, check out Dutch manager Bert van Marwijk and assistant coach Frank De Boer:

ManBand

Amazing, right? They offer a glimpse of what life would be like in 2010 if Wham! never broke up. These two look far more runway-ready than ready to run laps and I'm feeling it. I bet they even keep mineral water and champagne on the bench at all times. Then we have German manager Jogi Loew:

Homey

Dude has received a ton of press for his lucky blue, v-neck sweater and they've now sold out at department stores anywhere near Munich. The photo above is from the one game at the World Cup where he went for a more UES, office-casual look and didn't wear it. You know what happened? Germany lost (and I clapped but that is neither here nor there). The lesson here is that if you have a good look, rock that sh*t for all it's worth; change for the sake of it can lead to disastrous consequences (see: Brek Shea's recent quiff).

This is why Germany has to win today. They have to win so coaches worldwide see that dressing like my 8th grade P.E. coach will get you nowhere but a job as an 8th grade P.E. coach. They have to win so that Parsons kids and metrosexualists will tune in to the final in numbers so high that Vanity Fair will have to pay attention. They have to win so that I can see Andre Leon Talley ask the managers "Who are you playing at forward and who are you wearing?" from the tunnel outside the locker rooms on the ESPN pre-game show.

They have to win....for superficiality's sake.

7.06.2010

Children: They Are Our Future

cr7

So it says in the New York Post -America's second-worst newspaper- that the mother of Cristiano Ronaldo's new baby boy is an American. And as I'm sure you know Landon Donovan has an alleged baby on the way via some British lady*. Indulge my ridiculous mind for a moment and think about that for a moment: two newly sired infants with the finest of attacking midfield qualities coursing through their little, pediatric American veins.

So this gets me thinking: how early is too early to cap a player? And is it too soon to start filing discovery claims? I'm just saying the two of those kids, along with my son on the left, will be one hell of a Yank midfield come 2034. Best to get 'em all on the books now before the Europeans start sniffing around.

*I know we don't know if that's even Landon's baby yet nor do we know what the sex it is but the latter is a moot point though as we will have progressed enough as a people to have mixed gender teams by 2034.

All Star Voting Ends Today!



Allow me to be a company man just this once and encourage you to participate in AT&T MLS All-Star Game voting (because if you don't vote the terrorists have won). Obviously you can vote online but if you are so inclined you can also vote by texting the player’s last name or their team name to “22442”. Now if you'll excuse me I have a bowl noodles to attend to.

New York Cosmos Site Launch Showers Soccersphere With Naked Intrigue

Cosmos

Click this link. You can't tell me you aren't in the least bit curious as to A) who's running this show, B) what's their endgame and C) why they thought KRS-One was the appropriate soundtrack for their 1970's glory-seeking nostalgia trip.

TFC Sign Spaniard Mista, Duet with Twista Unconfirmed

MISTA

So Toronto FC have signed a dude called "Mista." It says here that he is a Spanish striker who was most recently with Deportivo La Coruna but I'm not buying it. With a name like that I'm sure I've got a UGK remix somewhere around here with 16 bars from him on it; I know a nom de rap when I see one.

But if I am wrong -which I frequently am- the forward, whose given name is Miguel Angel Ferrer Martinez, is the latest in a growing line of seemingly-random signings whose only virtue is a European pedigree by Trader Mo & Co. (see Laurent Robert, Rohan Ricketts & Olivier Tébily). For the sake of my Canuckistani brethren I hope he pans out better than those guys because TFC's search for a real finisher has gone on for far too long. Plus there is the added bonus of both home & away fans being able to sing "Kyrie" is his general direction.

7.05.2010

Brek Shea Heir To Mathis & Beckham

Brek

I always sort of thought that Brek Shea's hair kind of signaled that he had this rebellious streak in him that belied his College Station, TX roots (if you don't know, College Station is the home Texas A&M University and is very, um, non-progressive). Typically dude rocks some fried, dyed and laid to the side looks worthy of inclusion in a Sigue Sigue Sputnik album cover. But on Saturday night against K.C. he came out looking like Justified-era J.T. and convinced me that he's not a rebel, he just don't give a damn.

He don't give a damn how the Philadelphia Police Dept. feels about white dudes with cornrows. He don't give a damn that David Beckham rocked the same look to tragic results back in the day. And he sure as hell don't give a damn that some random dude on blogspot says about it.

I appreciate this quality in the kid; we need young, American players who are flamboyant off the field as well as on it. I know I've gone on-and-on about it in the past but we need another Clint Mathis, we need more personalities. We need somebody that can ball out of control both in the 18 on Saturday evening and in a room full of 18 year-olds on Saturday night. Be that dude Brek, be that dude.

AC Milan To Become the Continental Fulham

Clint

Deuce to AC Milan? On one hand I'm all "wow." On the other hand I'm like "whack." You can figure out the "wow" because it is AC Milan, 'nuff said. But the "whack" is because if he plays there I might have to actually pay attention to the Italian league which is something I just don't want to do because A) I watch too much MLS & EPL already and B) I'd really hate to invest emotionally in a league with such a high propensity for match-fixing.

Video: District 11



I can't decide if this is funny or not, so on the fence. But maybe if I have to decide if it is funny and it doesn't immediately tell me that it is then I have my answer. What I am not undecided on is that a fake Afrikaans accent is somehow more grating than an actual Afrikaans accent; makes my ears bleed.

7.01.2010

Things Kids Love: Ke$ha, Sugar, the USMNT



Bravo Nike, Bravo.

Landon Donovan Takes Manhattan Pt. 5



Part 5: in which we find our Landon reunited with Bob Bradley on The Daily Show. Soccer x snark x boozy Jon Oliver = essential morning viewing. If only Stewart & Oliver would get a show on FSC where they could do this all the time; it would rule with all of the power of

Landon Donovan Takes Manhattan Pt. 4



Having broken the game down to every possible demographic outside of eskimos and leather fetishists, Landon is now sharing his World Cup experience with the rich man. And is it just me or is it kind of weird that LD & soccer are getting this much attention? Don't get me wrong, it's great and I love it but it's not like they won or even progressed further than they have in the past. Oh well, it beats seeing an American Idol or the usual talk show guests so I'll take it.