R.I.P. Shep Messing's Moustache

Today the American soccer community mourns the loss of one of it's true icons with the midweek discovery that Shep Messing's mustache is dead. This unexpected loss was first made public by Mr. Messing when he appeared on the set of episode 67 of ExtraTime without what one female acquaintance remembers as "the most enjoyable ride in New York that isn't at Coney Island."

Although his exact date of birth has never been confirmed, Shep Messing's mustache certainly lived a long, colorful life. From it's time as a froth catcher during Messing's beer-soaked days at Harvard to it's most recent post as a mic duster in the broadcast booth, Messing's mustache has always been a constant in an ever-changing world. And for fans of the beautiful game who grew up with it it is like losing an old friend. "I can't believe it" said a clearly saddened Skip Martell of Neptune, NJ. "First (John) Oates (of Hall & Oates), now Shep. I haven't been this sad since Freddy Mercury's c*ckduster bit the bullet."

Funeral arrangements are unknown at this time however there is a memorial service (sponsored in part by Just For Men™ Brush-In Moustache Gel) scheduled for Sept. 9th at the little-utilised Bronx Parkway Annex of the National Soccer Hall of Fame. A number of celebrity admirers & facial hair contemporaries are slated to speak at the engagement including the mustaches of Ron Jeremy, Tom Selleck, Carl Weathers, Robert Goulet, Wade Boggs and The Muppet Show's Sgt. Floyd Pepper.