5.31.2007

Pro Soccer Players Are People Too

Ever wonder what a day in the life of an MLS player is like? Do you have visions of it being all about post-practice rubdowns, riding in fine European motorcars, and a scandalous lady on your arm? Well if you are Golden Balls or Landycakes that may be the case. But when you're on un-hyped 3rd-year player money, it ain't like that at all.

Watch in wonder as RBNY's Seth Stammler, Todd Dunivant, & Taylor "I am a defensive liability" Graham take you from their house (despite what you saw on Landon Donovan's 'Cribs' episode, it ain't that kind of party in Weehawken), to practice, to the driving range, to the steakhouse. Luckily they spared us the trip to the dry cleaners.

I love personality pieces and all that, but I don't want to know that my celebrities (their famous to me damn it) are just as mediocre as I am. Not sure why but it just makes me feel a little weird, kind of like when you hit your late 20's and start to realize that all of the new bands that you like & every college football player are younger than you; we need to feel like our heroes are just a little above us on some level (but without being all Deion Sanders egotrip-tastic) for this whole thing to work. Now I feel like I am rooting for my little brothers friends.

Caligiuri In On the Vegas Job


All this picture needs is a ball, and a few cocktails to use as goal posts.

More news on the Las Vegas expansion bid from the Las Vegas Sun. Apparently Paul Caliguiri has been an integral part of their efforts out there and that is a very good sign; they've got a serious soccer guy on board from the get-go who can hopefully steer this thing from becoming too much like Circus Circus. It's also nice that they have $35 million dollars sitting on the table ready to go for that expansion fee (remember when you could get a club for only $15 million 4 years ago?) and want to build an Amex-maxing $500 million retractable roof, futbol oasis in the desert.

Mark Abbott, please let us have them in the league. Pretty please, with showgirls and high-ball drinks on top? Just picture it...the supporters can sing "Viva Las Vegas" as their anthem, you could borrow a tiger from Siegfried & Roy (they ain't using 'em much these days) for your mascot, and sell a game-&-gaming vacation packages from other league cities. I'm telling you it could work!

And just maybe league, as the 1st major sport to come in to town, could work something out with the Nevada Gaming Commission to get a cut of all bets placed on MLS games. Then we could tell the Eurosnobs "we're just like Italy"!

Chinaglia Says Capello Regrets Letting Becks Go



From Goal.com.


"I phone Fabio Capello, I speak to him about once a week. He said 'Giorgio,
you can't believe this kid, the turnaround around he's done. We made a big
mistake with this player'.

"I said 'you all sure did. It's a shame you're going to lose a
player like that to the United States and not see him again in Europe'."


Seriously Giorgio, are you so desperate for attention and a place amongst the current socceratti that you are now speaking on behalf of other people just so you can get your opinion's out there? You think MLS is bad and that Europe is good, we know. We've heard you say it to everyone with ears, including the deaf. So please stop.

Even for you, this may be a low.

Download: The Smiths: Big Mouth Strikes Again

Emilio Can Score, Can't Sing For Shit

This disturbing, yet hilarious locker room sing-a-long footage comes to us courtesy of BobbyBoswell.com. In it D.C. United striker Emilio doles out a cringe-inducing rendition of James Blunts' wedding anthem "You're Beautiful" that sounds not too dissimilar to one of the local drunks I knew back in Jersey City. His name was Drinky Mike and the only thing worse than his feet (which were seriously "Hammer Time"-funky) was him knocking out a Southern Comfort-fuelled cover of Al B. Sure's "Night & Day" at 2 a.m.

Man I bet that bulldog (every locker room should have a bulldog) can howl better than this dude. Maybe this shit will fly on Brazilian Idol, but in Chocolate City you gotta come better than that!

5.30.2007

The U.S. vs. Drew Carey



America's favorite famous soccer fan Drew Carey is slated to take on Landycakes, KK, and a few other national teamers at the HDC on June 5th....for $100K! But before you begin to question Carey's match fitness you should know that they'll be playing on XBOX. And it's all in aid of the Mooch Myernick Memorial fund, so I am officially "Down Like a Clown" with it.

If you live in LA LA Land and have the juice to get in or the balls to blag your way in, send us a report. We'd love to know if someone uses the age old, ghetto-classic "my controllers broke" excuse when they get a 30-yd bomb drilled into the back of their net.

MLS Gets Its Own Youtube Channel



I have nothing snarky to say about this, and if anything I'd like to walk the 8 blocks over to league HQ right now and start handing out cigars & patting cats on the back. For a business that gets most of it's attention & press online they've been a little slow to embrace certain aspects of the digital realm. In the last 6 months or so though they've done some really good things (podcasts, quickly available highlights) that should have been done ages ago. Good on them.

So you can check out all of the Youtube goodness
here; you can bookmark it right next to Pornotube (and don't you dare act like you have no idea what that is).

5.29.2007

I've Got Questions, Do You Have Answers?



So my hero and yours Ivesinho always does the rad thing on his blog where he answers everybody's questions . Becuase I don't pretend to be half as happening as he is (but twice as reckless) I'm gonna ask the questions, and you're gonna tell me what's what. How's that for democracy in action?

-Why is Dane Richards (my shoe-in for Rookie of the Year if it were handed out today) not on the all-star ballot? The blazin’ Jamaican has started every game this season, notched a goal and 2 assists and has provided his club more speed than a trailer park drug dealer. So why isn’t there even a write-in option on the ballot?


-While we’re talking All-Star game, what two players will The Don appoint to the team as his Commissioners selections? With the possibility looming of Becks missing the Gals match against Colorado due to an England call-up, do you think he’ll make this his Mile-High appearance for the year that weekend?

-Drunken chicken-fight in a swimming pool with Ben Olsen on Bobby Boswells shoulders vs. Clint Mathis with Dema Kovalenko on his: who wins? Boswell gives them height but Dema is a scrapper.

-Who would you rather have on your club? No name Maykel Galindo (5 games, 5 goals, 2 assists) at 72K or big name Claudio Reyna (he’s been the best player on the field when he’s played, but that’s only been 4 games out of 7) at $1.25m? Some might say it’s apples & oranges but is the Cuban defector the bargain of the year?


-Now that he is scoring again, does the hater nation still feel that EJ’s place on the National team is unjustified? Many people seemed to think just a few months ago that he was washed up and undeserving of further caps, but now he’s on a tear….just a little Beckham-esque when you think about it.

-Is it wrong and demeaning to have hot young college girls in bikinis racing in place of horses? Or is it oddly sexy in a way that you aren’t very eager to admit to your partner?



TORtv 5.29.07

Life if full of “WTF” moments. Press play on the Youtube screen at left to see one courtesy of New England Revolutions’ Khano Smith. I’ve never seen a ball float as if it has helium in it, but that’s exactly what happened on this free kick which will know be known as "The Hindenburg Disaster”.

Following that is a new Becks-filled PSA in aid of some charity or other (landmines, malaria, “the clap”…who can keep them all straight), the video for the theme to Fox en Espanol by rock band Kinky, and The Whitest Boy Alive tries to make you go blind. Peep it all now on TORtv.

Cash, Club & Country Revisted

So not to be the "I told you so" guy, but then again to totally be all "I told y'alls asses this sh*t would happen" see this post from a few months ago. It sucks to be right sometimes.

But honestly, if a jackass like me could see this coming why couldn't someone much more happening, rich, and involved over at AEG see it? Maybe they did and decided to take a gamble anyway. I don't know who this person is but to be safe you would do well never to find yourself in a romantic, condom-less situation with any AEG employee....there's good chance that you would hear something to the effect of "it's ok just this once, we won't get pregnant".

America, Are We This Shallow?



The Independent is reporting that Real Madrid were planning a summer tour of the U.S. (again?) but it's been nixed due to a certain players' exclusion from the line-up:



"Americans pull plug on £15m Real tour over main draw's absence Real Madrid have had to scrap a £15m tour of the US because the Americans are not interested in them without David Beckham.


The former England captain is adamant his last game will be Real's final league match, on 17 June against Mallorca. And his refusal to play beyond that has ruined plans for one more Beckham-related pay-day. The failure to set-up a game against LA Galaxy also means instead of bowing-out for Madrid against Galaxy he could be making his debut against Chelsea on 21 July.


Beckham is understood to be still unhappy over the way the club treated him during contract negotiations and when he signed for Galaxy, and he is also keen to take a break with his family before kicking off in Los Angeles. That also means he will miss the match in the Middle East on 19 June against an Israeli-Palestine select XI.


A spokesperson for the player said: "Real Madrid
went ahead and organised the game without consulting the players. Unfortunately,
David had booked holidays to spend time with his family in the short time he has
before the MLS season and that has to come first."



Surely "the new soccer nation" is not so uncultured that the likes of Ruud Van Nistelroy, Roberto Carlos et al are not deemed a sufficient draw without the presence of LA-bound Golden Balls. Maybe it's a question of the promoters Sports Capital Partners LLC (which is run by Dave Checketts, and last time I checked, still retains the exclusive rights to promote Real Madrid in the States) not seeing the team being worth that much money without all of the Galacticos of years past. Since the last time RM rolled through America, the likes of Ronaldo & Zidane have all moved on so it's is definitely a much different product than before.

What would you pay to see a less Galactic Real Madrid? Personally, I would put down $45 bucks as oppossed to the $65 it would have cost me in Utah or Seatlle last year. Name your price in the comments.

5.28.2007

Club, Country, and Cash Money


For the past few years now Alexi
Lalas has had a severe case of diarrhea of the mouth, the most prominent symptom being his incessant talk of creating a "superclub" in America. But now that His Ginger Majesty (TM) has real live superclub problems he's all bent out of shape and showing the world that for all of his public appeal and showmanship he doesn't have what it takes to sit at the adults table of world soccer.

In the
IC Newcastle story referenced above Lalas hints that LA won't release Beckham if called up for England matches that conflict with the Galaxy's schedule. Anyone with cable, a newspaper subscription, or an Internet connection realizes that LA (and AEG & MLS) have a large portion of their collective fortunes tied up in touring Beckham around the states this summer/fall. But to even imply that facing off against RSL is more important than England qualifying for Euro is nothing short of preposterous, not to mention foolish. As much as it may hurt, Lalas and company should be wise enough to relax, bend over & take it.

So OK, you lose out on around 4 road matches. But you gain your marquee player participating (and possibly captaining) in one of the biggest tournaments for one of the most popular countries in the world. Think for a second about how good that will reflect on your club & the league both nationally & internationally?


On the other side of the coin you get to parade your prize pony (who no doubt will be more than a little peeved with you) around America and they will love LA if but for one night. But
FIFA will hate you (and MLS). England will hate you (and MLS). Potentially every non-American soccer fan will hate you (and MLS) and call you immature, greedy, and unworthy. And David Beckham as professional & cordial as he may be....dude just might become an astronomically expensive Amado Guevara.

Now Your Ginger Majesty, ask yourself is it worth it?

5.25.2007

SSS or Not, Oakland A's Owner Wants 'Quakes Back


Oakland A's owner Lew Wolff

Showing the patience of a premature ejaculator, Lew Wolff wants to bring the San Jose Earthquakes back...new stadium or not. Anyone who thinks this is a good idea is either a zealot (Casbah members, I am looking at you) or reckless. Not having a home of their own is what lost them there team the last time around, and with the area's recent history of being less than accommodating to those searching for a stadium solution Wolff would be well-served too not put much faith in lawmakers, university officials, and city council members giving him any helping hand in the endeavor.

Will The Don go for it in the name of evening out the number of teams and having a feel-good "Quakes come home" story for the media? Who knows...overall I think Garber has made some great (and tough) decisions for this league but as my cousin Big Harper used to say "shit done changed". In the post-Beckham era the microscope is a little more focused on the league so a false move back to San Jose at the wrong time would be a bigger story than it would have been a few years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to hate on SJ. If asked what city I would like to see get the next franchise I would actually say San Jose. But we already have teams without real stadium plans (or any in the case of New England), and spotty attendance (NY, KC)....do we need another just for the sake of it? You tell me.

5.22.2007

Really? Copa Minnesota? Wow.



You know every time you get trollied on tequila, eat a McFish sandwich at 3 a.m. and vomit on your front step you swear you'll never do it again? But then Arbour Day rolls around and you're all like "fuck it, it's a holiday" and you do it all over again. That's how I feel about writing about yet another stop on the LA Galaxy "Bucks for Becks World Tour".

5.21.2007

1st Look: RBNY's new training grounds

This image appeared at the bottom of the Red Bull New York quarterly report which appeared in my inbox today. Apparently it has only been seen by those within the organization until today. In regards to the facility the report stated the following:

"Off the field, we are on the cusp of making two important announcements. The first involves our permanent, long-term training facility something this franchise has never had in its 11+ year existence. Attached is a rendering of the final design of the facility that we wanted to share with you, which no one outside of our organization has seen yet. As you can tell, this will be the finest training facility of its kind, a world class venue worthy of any professional club in the world. We will unveil the exact particulars and amenities when we make the formal announcement."

I'm not sure that I (or anyone else) can tell from the pretty picture above that this will be a "world class venue worthy of any professional club in the world" but I can tell that they at least hired an artist who is dead good with colour pencils. All jokes aside if thier new facility is anything like the Home Depot Centers training facilities it'll be a huge blessing for a club that has had a nomadic training routine to say the least.

Also in the report where bits about the new Youth Development scheme (they're going to have one), and that the stadium is running behind (you're shocked, I know). Please make your "announcement in 60-90 days" jokes in the comments.

5.17.2007

TORtv Old School Clip: Posh & Becks & Ali G

This is a classic that you may not have seen if you are only familiar with the HBO version of the Ali G show. In college, when I was stupid enough to waste my student loan disbursement checks on long weekend trips from Texas to the Midlands (Stoke-on-Trent stand up!), I would spend hours on the floor of my stoner mates squalid dorm room watching this clown. This was probably a good 4 years before he hit HBO (and light years before the Borat notoriety).

This interview with the royal family of Chav-a-lot is probably the high mark of the U.K. series. Right from the get-go Ali is holding no punches; within 30 seconds he has called Posh 'scary' and told David that even though it's a comedy show there is no need to use the silly voice. Within 4 minutes he has asked Victoria if she lets David in through "the back door". And no, they are not discussing entry routes into Beckingham Palace....they're talking about ass people.

Wake up and get your minds back in the gutter!

5.16.2007

Dunzo

It's over and I'm back from the press conference. A good day for Bob, and a good day for me because I spent my lunch hour with a bunch of writers that I read daily, a bunch of socceratti that I see on TV or read about regularly, and got to witness the formal beginning of the Bob Bradley era. Also I got the US Soccer 2007 yearbook for free (those shits go for $15). Natch.

I may have more on this later, but for now I'm busy.

Even more live-blogging

I don't see Jeff Bradley here, which is a surprise.

Live-blogging from the press conference

Bob is like, Jerry McGuire 'You complete me' sincere. Bless him. On another note there are only 35 people in the room...camera crew included. Newcastle had over 150 just for Big Sam's announcement....this says volumes about the state of the game in America.

Live-blogging from the press conference

Apparently photographers cant get anywhere on time. 4 of them have walked in late. Speaking of photos, the walls are covered with nice matted photos of Bob and Nats player in action....I am so going to snake the Gooch one and put it over my mantle..-.

Live-blogging from the press conference

Gulati just walked past, then someone official just made an announcement that we're on in 5. I feel like I am totally gatecrashing at the adults table. Also of note, Don Garber drinks coke out of a wine glass...what a pimp.

Live-blogging from the press conference

I'm in. It's about 10 minutes to start time. The Don, Bradley, and a few other suits are here, but shockingly few reporters. Of the one's I recognize, Ives, Michael Lewis, and Bondy are here. Oh and the shrimp sandwiches should be avoided.

Live Blogging From the Press Conference

Keep your eyes here today as I attempt to do some live-blogging from the US Soccer press conference. That is if i dont get the bum's rush.

Sheffield on the Hudson



Man, last night was one of those rare occasions when rolling in the rock world and my continuing attempts to join the ranks of the socceratti comes together in brilliant fashion. Remember a few weeks ago when I was going on about the pride of Sheffield, Arctic Monkeys? They were playing in NYC last night and as they are hotter than good curry right now, it was somewhat of a scene.

Yours truly was seated in one of private boxes at stage left with various record label lovelies (and I don't just say that because they gave me the tickets), a couple of random douchey guys who were feeding drinks to two smoking hot but very underage trust-fund twins and some of 'the beautiful people'. And when I say 'beautiful people' I am referring to three members of The Strokes, their various model-esque wives (including
Amanda De Cadenet, former wife of the big lipped fella out of Duran Duran). If it weren't for my real job I would have no reason to be within mugging distance of so much money.

But the final and best celeb spotting incident of the night was of Sheffield's favourite adopted son
John Harkes at the bar on my way out. I'd never met the man before so I had to holler at him. He was there with a few of his buddies and apparently is friends with someone in the bands' touring party. We chatted for a few minutes, discussed the fitness of Ms. De Cadenet (as you do), Toronto FC, and just a bit of blather about stadia. I refrained from asking him about the Tab Ramos underwear comment; that's a bit much for a 1st date.

If you haven't seen the Arctic's live before, check out the clip above for a taste. Last night they seemed a little loose, mostly likely alcohol induced, but still on their game. What was surprising to me was that a few songs that I thought would be crowd-slayers like "Fluorescent Adolescent" went over a little quiet. That and the large amount of jock-rockers. I guess the secret is way out...thank New York Times.

5.15.2007

I'll Take "Things That Fell Off" for $250 Alex


The Cosmos back in thier heyday. Shit, is that Harry Carey working the camera?

The Biggest Midget in the Game, Jozy, & the rest of the U-20's take on Argentina up in Rochester tonight. The local paper in those parts reports on the distinct lack of buzz around for Freddy's trip to town; last time he went there (with D.C. United) the match drew over 14k, but tonight they aren't expecting more than 5K.

Also Soccernet has a nice, long piece on the Cosmos. Acting figureheads/torch-bearers Pepe Pinton and Giorgio Chinaglia where once part of something that was truly a phenomenon but are now merely bitter, and sounding a little desperate.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

City Might Finally Make an Honest Woman Out of Dynamo


After a little over a year it seems that the Dynamo are about to get serious about trying the married life in the Bayou City and are now talking stadium with the city. After spending many a childhood summer in Houston all I can say is I don't care how few restrooms or concession stands the place has, if it has a stage at one end, or if it has bleacher seating. Just make that sucker air-conditioned somehow, some way.

For those that are uninitiated to the particulars of south Texas heat, I can best describe it as the following. You know that funk you have after really good, vigorous sex? That sweaty film that covers your whole damn body? Well imagine waking up with it every morning for most of the year but you don't even get the pleasure of getting laid.

At that is the 8 a.m. heat, so think about that 3 p.m. kickoff in August….I know the fans are dealing with it now, but why make them suffer like that if you have a chance to rectify the situation. I'd also be willing to bet that playing in a small, retractable roof stadium (a la Ajax Arena ) would help to put more (non-sweaty) asses in seats.

Craig T. Nelson-less Coaching News



The story that's got everybody talking this a.m. is that all indications are that Bob Bradley will have the interim tag removed and be named coach of the U.S. national team. I don't always agree with Sunil Gulati but I think this time he got it right; hopefully Bob is getting the nod out of respect for his work, not because all of the European prospects said "no". So if anyone at Blue Sky Soccer is reading this, let's get those "In Bob We Trust" shirts knocked up in time for the Gold Cup.

In other coaching related news, former FC Dallas skipper Colin Clarke wants the Northern Ireland job vacated by Lawrie Sanchez. Depending on who else is up for the job Clarke might have a shot at this but his resume has a few blemishes (not one trip to MLS Cup, and his last post was with the now-defunct Virginia Beach Mariners of USL1). Good luck to the boy though….how funny would it be if Colin "I can't win the Western Conference with all the talent in the world" Clarke got a job in Europe before Bruce Arena?

And while I'm at it I'll throw this bit in there as well about Mo Johnston. It seems that he has uncovered yet another forward to bring into his side, this time Dundee man Collin Samuel. But it seems that the immigration boys up there in Canuckistan are once again trying to cock-block MoJo. I'm starting to think that his coaching strategy is "the best defence is a good offence…or at least the most offensive players you can mathematically have on your team".

5.14.2007

This Just In: Galaxy Sign Man-Beast Xavier











The rumors were true. I have only 2 questions. How did they pull this off without using a DP slot? Which does he look more like....Tygra from Thundercats or Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes?

Walking Chemistry Set, Son of a Drunk MLS Bound?


One of Xavier's more "original" hairstyles. Shit is soooo uncalled-for.

So this weeks rumored European transfers to MLS are Abel Xavier and Calum Best. I won't waste too much time on Best, even though he is the son of George. He wants to play in the states because apparently he thinks that the physical demands of MLS are much less than what is required of him in England. I'd love to hear him say that after he gets leveled to the (artificial) turf by Dema Kovalenko in the 75th minute on a 102 degree game in August. But why should he even be concerned about that, he's 26 not 36. I would think Steve Nicol or any other interested coach would raise an eyebrow about a player that young looking to play in league he deems less demanding.

As for Xavier, who is being
linked to LA Galaxy, the pro's are that he's experienced with an impeccable resume (he's played for Liverpool, Everton, Hannover 96, Benfica & Galatasaray). As for the cons, he's old, a drugs Hoover and rocks some of the most questionable hairstyles since the early Duran Duran tours; between Becks & he there will be no hair bleach left in Los Angeles. It's a lose-lose situation for all involved.

Too bad they got Herbalife for a shirt sponsor, I bet Jonathon Product would have killed to get on there.

Thank God I Can Finally Use This Photo!


Yeah, I know the year is wrong but I've been hanging on to this for a while.

Toronto finally scored and they won as well . Danny Dichio bit someone. 2 red cards were shown. The crowd was large & loud. The match was stopped 3 times when seat cushions rained on the pitch. Many Canucks got drunk. I hate to say it but this was the only game that felt anything close to 'major league' this weekend.

5.10.2007

The Secret Final



Can't make it to Athens on your salary? Maybe you can make it to the Secret Final. WTF is that you ask? See the fine folks at Heineken want to whisk you and a friend away to a secret locale with a bunch of other drunks/contest winners to watch the Champions League final. Pressumedly this location would be better than your living room or bar of choice unless you are rich and/or famous. And odds are there will be free beer.

Put your name in the hat here.

Oh, and Another Thing (aka Vegas Two-Times)



On my ride in to work today I passed by a billboard promoting this trendy casino in Atlantic City called The Borgata. For those of you not too familiar with AC, it's undergoing a bit of a renaissance largely due to flashy new places like the Borgata opening up. Sort of like how Vegas has become somewhat less seedy and is now Disney in the desert.

That got me thinking about the MLS Vegas expansion bid. And the more I thought about it, the more I got to thinking that it could really work. One of the unique things about Vegas is that you have to go there to see many of the performers & entertainers…in a sense they've become attractions. What I'm saying is that if you want to see gay European tiger-tamers, or Celine Dion you have to go to them. They don't tour so people don't wait for them to come to Pittsburgh or Perth or Paris….they get on a plane and go to Vegas.

So imagine of you will that these potential owners build a sparkling new hotel-casino with a retractable-roof stadium attached that is so tricked out that you would swear it was designed by Pimp My Ride. Then add on top of that a Designated Player that is so damn special that footie fans from around the globe (it is the world's game after all) would travel to see them. Someone who has the marketability of David Beckham, but is a flashy, skilled player. If this were to happen tomorrow I would say Ronaldinho would be that guy.

If such a set up came to pass, what's to say that taking in an LVSC match wouldn't become as integral to the Vegas experience as going to see Wayne Newton, pawning your wedding ring (because it's your night, you can just feel it) or dancing in a manner that would imply that you are sexually indiscriminate. And if they could do this before the NBA wakes up and puts a team there they could really get a hero's welcome from the locals and city officials; the mayor has a jones for pro sports so bad that he offered to build a new stadium there if the NFL would play every Monday night game there.

It's a crazy idea, but you never know….

Vegas Baby, Vegas



Get your bookie on the phone...the expansion race just turned really interesting with Las Vegas looking to come out of nowhere and claim a club (what will forever be known as "pulling a Toronto"). The word out of sin city is that there's an investment group out there looking to go all in on an MLS club and I for one am just giddy about the idea.

It wouldn't be the first club out there....remember the Quicksilver? They lasted all of one season in the NASL but they did have Eusebio, which would have been worth the price of admission alone. But the Vegas of the 1970's and the Vegas of today are two completely different places and this time around the potential owners are looking to build for the future...we're talking retractable roof stadium etc.

Can you just imagine how buckwild this shit has the potential to be? A damn casino at the stadium. $3.99 prime rib buffet at the concession stands. Tom Jones belting out the National Anthem. Cheerleaders in clear heels. It can get no better people.

Best. Roadtrip. Ever. FACT.

5.09.2007

TORtv 5.9.07

Didn't see the Open Cup match last night? Neither did anyone else who wasn't at the Home Depot Center. Until someone much more important than I takes an interest we will be stuck with watching Youtube clips, like this one of Juan Pablo Angel's first goal for RBNY. One game that was broadcast, over the internet at least, was Chivas USA's 2-nil exhibition loss to USL1's Carolina Railhawks…the first goal is a cracker! After that is one of the best footie commercials I think I have ever seen. Closing things off is an incredible video for the song "Revival" by Soulsavers featuring Mark Lanegan (ex-Screaming Trees). The black & white, "olde timey religion"-themed clip fits the mood of the track (a whiskey-drunk sad sack anthem if there ever was one) perfectly.

Press play on the little screen at left and get stuck in.

Conrad's Glass Jaw



Jimmy Conrad is to cracked jaws what Alecko Eskandarian is to concussions. Maybe that is an overstatement, but it seems that his is once again broken (just like the Social Security system!), this time courtesy of Columbus Crew's Ricardo Virtuoso.

So would it be fair to say that Columbus Crew is to elbows at the face what Alecko Eskandarian is to getting concussed? Between Virtuoso &
Andy Herron it's getting hella WWE out there. Personally I blame rap music, because Sigi Schmid's boys are throwing more 'bows than in a posse cut video.

This Just In: Freddy Gets Beaned


In a last ditch effort to retain his grasp on the title of Major League Soccer's most talked about player, Freddy Adu is now having the most trivial aspects of his life reported on. And apparently the media is prepared to ride shotgun with him as Soccernet is reported that The Biggest Midget in the Game has been hit on the head with a golf ball.

Has he been injured? Not that I can tell from reading the article, so why is this news? I mean if a blog, or TMZ.com reports this, then fine. But Soccernet...c'mon give me some real footie news, not fluff (that is my job). If you are going to do this kind of piece do it when it is really eyebrow-raising.

When you get word that Freddy has been hit in the head with a golf ball thrown at him in anger by a b-list celebrity lover who is 3 martinis into a bender over a leaked sex-tape of he and ex-girlfriend Jojo please call me. Otherwise stick to stats, analysis, and yet another op-ed piece on Bruce Arena.

RBNY Eliminated But Dream Still Alive...For Harrisburg?




Harrisburg, PA fret not for the dream is still alive. With the LA Galaxy's U.S. Open Cup defeat of Red Bull New York in extra time you still have your shot at seeing David Beckham play in the capital city….for only $1!

With what has to be one of the most
original promotions in recent memory, USL2 side Harrisburg City Islanders are selling tickets to a potential Open Cup tie against the Galaxy should both side continue to advance and actually meet. Should the teams not meet all proceeds from tickets will go to charity in the name of Becks.

The City Islanders front office is one of the most creative around and consistently comes up with original ways to butts in seats. According to the article they've already sold over 1,000 tickets. Pretty crazy that organizations are basically selling futures in a Becks appearance, but hats off to them for finding an original way to get some attention for an Open Cup game.


Did you know that there supporters section behind the goal is called "Socceritaville"? While I'm not really one for Hawaiian shirts and Jimmy Buffett references, the "Socceritaville" season ticket package includes free parking and free beer. Needless to say that ticket package has sold out for the 2007 season, so don't go pricing your bi weekly commute to Pennsylvania just yet Drinky.


5.08.2007

The Becks Report


The newly acquired Beckingham Palace. I wonder if they have cable...

Big, new, fuck-off house

Shopping spree

Botox

A lawsuit

New platinum hair (Kevin Hartman must bust absolutely gutted that his look has been stolen)

And those stories are just from the last seven days. Who do you think stands to make more money out of this…Becks, MLS, or the media?

MLS Week 5 Money Shots



Courtesy of the always excellent Climbing The Ladder.

5.07.2007

Does Prada Do Orange Jumpsuits?



So by now you've heard that tabloid staple and celebrity fuckwit Paris Hilton is going down....as in 'to jail'. According to this article she has a good chance of being "woman-handled", which sounds absolutely terrifying (yet intriguing).

And as you can guess the media has not been this excited about a heiress-gone-criminal since Patty Hearst. If you are Star, People, or US Weekly this is your Superbowl. Even everyday opportunists are getting in the game; I checked GoDaddy.com today and someone looking to cash in has already bought the domain name to FreeParisHilton.com(and yes, I am jealous that I didn't think of it first).

Think about the Paris Hilton you know; a history of bad decision making, dumb as rocks, sexually indiscreet, an exaggerated sense of self-worth….she sounds like most of the cats I know that have done time.

Oh and she's horribly racist which should go down a treat on the inside. She'd better pray that there isn't a bad-ass Jewish gang inside that isn't chomping at the bit to take out symbolic revenge on her narrow, Aryan-looking ass.

I wonder if they'll let her take the little dog with her? Probably not, as it could be tied to a stick and used as a weapon.

Forget Max Bretos, The People Want Cisco



Believe it or not, in the age of TIVO, DVR, HDTV, PPV, Fios, OnDemand, digital cable, & DirectTV the television viewing experience is actually lacking something. You know what that is? Public access shows…there are just not enough of them anymore. Unless you live in Manhattan, then you have one of the worlds greatest freak shows transmitted into your extortionately high-priced living room on a daily basis.

Here’s a fine example courtesy of the legendary Cisco. This Bronx-based (if I recall correctly) footie zealot has been doing his "Mad Soccer" show New York Public Access for a few years now and the dude is mad as hatters. Please note the high production values, tightly choreographed intro, and opinionated editorial. I'm pretty sure he should be up for a daytime Emmy.

True story. I actually heard this guy tell Alexi Lalas that if the then-Metrostars had their games broadcast on a.m. radio (AM RADIO people!) he would get an extra 20K in attendance. Shit, if he was GM the club would send out telegrams of match reports, travel to away games via steam train, and deliver tickets via carrier pigeon. Sad thing is he'd still be better than some MLS GM's though.


Needless to say dude always has something unique & entertaining to say about the game….but often in the "laughing at you, not with you way". Get a bucket-full of the great Cisco here.

5.06.2007

Deuce!!!



Do you know what I would have paid to see my fellow Texan Clint Dempsey score his 1st EPL goal against Liverpool at my olde stomping ground, Craven Cottage? Tons of money. Trump money. More money than is currently in print.

But I, like you, will just have to settle for Youtube. Bunk.

5.04.2007

Something for the Weekend

This is the latest video by Justice entitled "D.A.N.C.E" and it is the greatest thing since Peter Gabriel had those chickens dancing around in "Sledgehammer". FACT.

It's Over



Looks like Amado is out of options and is finally going to get his walking papers. After refusing trades to Toronto, Dallas, Colorado, and Columbus his rights are being dealtto a club in his native Honduras. For my money this is a good move by Preki to rid himself of dead weight early in the season.

As for his refusal to go to another club...well that's just Amado's final act of showing his ass to the league. As good as he could be (when he wanted to), putting up with his attitude and antics is just not worth it. It really amazes me that a 32 year old man actually behaves like this.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out chief.

Bon Jovi's Favorite Game


I almost forgot to mention this, what with all the Amado Mystery Theatre drama and Jesus H. Kreis taking the helm in Salt Lake. But if you are in "The Triangle" area of North Carolina on Tuesday you have the opportunity to witness what TOR is billing as the Unfortunately Monikered Club Cup .

Everyone's favorite ethnic panderers Chivas USA will take their show (along with Razov & Marsch's hair products) on the road to take on the Carolina Railhawks, which at press time was still not installed as the state bird. That title goes to
"the bird".

MLS Player Salaries Revealed!



So for whatever reason (I honestly have no clue, maybe it's some union rule or something) the MLS Players Union has once again seen fit to release the salaries of all league players . If you've never seen this list before you may be floored by some of the disparity in wages; in a nut shell a few guys can buy Cristal, many can rock Moet, and the rest are keeping it budget and fucking with Mums. And yes, I do believe champagne quality is the true income indicator.

I'm sure that in the next 72 hours you will read at least 3 articles about what a shame it is that developmental players are making less than Gary Coleman does at his nightwatchman job, and that we now finally have a solid number of what lil' Davey Beckham's true salary is so I will spare you the analysis because you can get that everywhere....that's what real writers are for.

But I'd love to hear what you have to say; let us know in the comments who you think is the most over-paid and who is getting a raw deal. My vote is for for Shaka Hislop and Bobby Boswell to switch salaries.

5.03.2007

Bulletpoints: Because I am Both Lazy & Busy




"Love & Hate and Passions Just Like Mine"




Love

Hate

  • High School PE teachers joining MLS coaching staffs [Daventry Today]
  • Talk of Earthquakes 3.0 playing in new NFL stadium [San Jose Mercury News]
  • Any of the 17 songs on the radio right now featuring Akon

5.02.2007

This Just In: Amado Traded...Again




So that didn't last long. Preki, being the smart classy son of a bitch that he is has decided to trim the cancer before it spreads by trading perpetual pain in the ass Amado Guevara to Toronto FC for Paolo Nagamura and a draft pick. For those of you keeping score at home Amado was sent to Chivas USA for their DP spot....so basically they got f*cked and Red Bull got a second DP spot (and in turn a quality striker in Juan Pablo Angel) for damaged goods.

Toronto FC fans I love you, your owners, your stadium & everything that is going on up there. And I know Mo thinks that he is going to help the scoring drought but he's not; he just rading one problem for another. I have joked about it before, but I now seriously believe that Mo Johnston is the coaching equivalent of a C-list celebrity used care dealer. Thank the Lord that MLSE had the good sense to put Bob Gansler in the assistant role to try and level this plane out before it nose dives.





Reina Robbed


Reina invites thieves to try it when he's at home.

While yesterday should have been one of those "Purple Rain Tour" days for Liverpool keeper Pepe Riena, some thieving bastards had to go and fuck it up and turn it into "Batdance". After defeating Chelsea (bye-bye boys in blue!) in Champions League competition, the Reds net-minder arrived home to find his house burgled and his car stolen.

They took his Bang & Olufsen soundsystem. They took his jewels. They took his car. And to be fair it's not just a car, it's a Porsche. Good thing his cock is attached to his body or they might have taken that too.

Where do people get off? Is there any decentcy left in the world? Apparently not in Liverpool.

Proof that I am Not an "Retarted"



Most people like me. Some love me. Others merely tolerate me. And a select few think less of me. Sometimes I get emails calling me one of several species of jackass. Recently I was called "retarted" by someone in the comments.

That is obviously not true (at least in my small mind) and I have the proof! Did you happen to see Cash Cab yesterday? I was on there with a couple of cats from work and I straight out ran that shit. Carried those fools like I was Beyonce and they were Destiny's other children. And I'm pretty sure we were the 1st people to make it rain on the Discovery Channel like, ever.

Name Behind Portland Expansion Bid Revealed



There's more talk out of Rose City about their expansion hopes, with real estate magnate Michael Keston named as the honcho behind the bid. Reading this Oregon Live piece, it all sounds pretty good until at the very end Keston is quoted as saying that Seattle's 65k seat monster Qwest Field would be a great place for an expansion team to play.

What year is it? Someone remind me. Is it 1996? No...2007, really? Then I guess Mr. Keston does not read the newspaper, use the internet, have good advisers, or has never spoken to anyone involved with the league other than a ticket sales rep. If he'd done any one of the following he would know that an enormodrome like Qwest is the exact opposite of the direction the league is moving in.

Take what you will from this article, but judging by Mr. Keston's apparent lack of familiarity on what the leagues goals are I wouldn't get too excited just yet.


5.01.2007

TORtv 5.1.07

New TORtv for you today kids. Leading things off, we come at you once again with the MLS week 4 goals compilation courtesy of Climbing The Ladder; if you've never checked out this site, it's a definite must.

Next up is TalkSoccer.net's cracking report on the Toronto FC home opener. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times...I fucking love Canada. Great show, and great fans. Next up is a slightly sinister commercial with Nick Garcia and Jose Burciaga getting all Aztec & shit, while we close the whole thing up and put a pretty pink bow on it for you (because you like pretty things, Nancy) with an ESPN piece on Taylor Twellman from a while back.

Enjoy.

The Swamp Bracing For Influx of Vacationing Millionaires



It seems like that magic time of year when Americas stadiums are invaded by South American & European soccer teams just gets earlier & earlier every year. I'm certainly not complaining; any excuse to tailgate and witness world class footie action without having to clear customs is the equivalent of a holiday on my calendar.

Out in New Jersey the silly season is starting up just before Memorial Day when Ireland takes on Ecuador on May 23rd. That match kicks off the beginning of what will be a busy week at Giants Stadium with Red Bull New York taking on Chicago Fire on the 24th (live on ESPN2), and the just announced Benfica v. AEK Athens tie on the 27th.

That's right you read correctly, Benfica v. AEK. Fellas you know what this means? Hot Portuguese chicks with Nelly Furtado butts, and hopefully some kebab carts from Queens. And ladies you'll get some wannabe Christiano Ronaldo man-candy. See, everybody wins.